common council, where you will have an opportunity to hear some specimens of eloquence in this mighty republican city."

I have often heard of your city," said Cicero, “but I have never heard of any eloquence in your common council. On the contrary, I have been informed that the tribunal has never been distinguished for eloquence or wisdom. But perhaps my information has not been correct, for I never saw an alderman in elysium."

"I believe,” replied Asmodeus, "that not many of them have troubled elysium with their company; but the present is a very extraordinary board of sages, and I am sure you will be at least amused with their debates, if not instructed by their political sagacity." So saying, Asmodeus turned toward the city hall, and beckoned us to follow him. On entering the common-council room, Cicero seemed pleased with the appearance of our city sages, and indeed with the architecture and furniture of the room.

"This apartment," said he, " is truly splendid! I recognise in these pictures the countenances of Washington, Clinton, and Hamilton, with all of whom I have the pleasure to converse frequently in elysium. But whose likeness is that?" Jay's," said Asmodeus.

66

"Oh," said Cicero, "he is the beloved of Hamilton, and I have many times heard him praised both by Clinton and Washington. This hall reminds me of the days of Rome, and the ample room in which we stand partakes not a little of patrician splendour; its proportions are beautiful, and it is well adapted for a small tribunal. There is a man, seated at that table, whose physiognomy resembles Cataline's. I hope he meditates no conspiracy against the state?"

"Sir," said Asmodeus, "that's a stone-cutter, a harmless, clever little fellow, who never meditates any thing except voting with the Tammany party, and keeping his profound ignorance concealed under a profoundly wise counte

nance."

"I suppose," said Cicero," they regard patriotism and great services rendered to the republic."

66

"No such thing," said Asmodeus, they do not care one fig for patriotism or public services. When they elect a representative, they only inquire whether he wears in his hat a buck's tail! and he who wears the tail most impudently, and makes the most noise about it, can be elected to any office, high or low."

"I cannot believe," said Cicero, "that the citizens would do thus unless they are deceived by some cunning demagogues. I remember the populace of Rome-their honest credulity was often imposed upon by designing scoundrels, in the same way.'

Our attention was here attracted by the debates of the sages. The question before them was, whether they should dispose of part of the park adjoining the city hall. The advocates for the measure outnumbered their opponents, and of course outtalked them "all hollow." One said "it ought to be sold ;" and with that he sat himself down quite convinced. Another said "it would bring thirty thousand dollars ;" and down he sat.

Another said "it was

time the city was out of debt;" and down sat he. Another said "it would make the park appear more ship-shape;" and down sat he. The audience listened -the editors took notes for publication -Cicero stared, and Asmodeus laughed. At length a gentleman rose, and remarked something as follows: "Before this hasty, and most ill-advised measure is adopted, "I beg leave to call the attention of your honour to the fatal consequences which must ensue."

"Order! order!" said one.
"Sit down, sir," cried another.

"You are out of order," said another. And amid the noise the speaker sat down, and the question was put and carried.

"What," said Cicero, "is the meaning of that indecent interruption? That speaker promised something sensible and eloquent."

That is the very reason," said As

modeus," they call him to order, and make him sit down. Whenever an alderman speaks good sense, they say in the common council, he is out of order." "Who is that first man?" said Cicero.

"He is a shopkeeper."

"The next?" said Cicero.-" A carpenter."

"The next?"- "A tailor."
"The next?"- "A shoemaker."

66 "Stop," said Cicero, "are not these men daily and constantly engaged in their various trades?"

66 Every one of them, sir, taking care of himself and his family, and making money as fast as he possibly can, and thinking of little or nothing beside."

"How can people expect that men of that sort can possibly do justice to the legislation of this great city? There is certainly some infernal demagogues at the bottom of this mystery. The affairs of your city, in order to be well managed, require as sound a head to superintend them as the greatest army in the world. You have a hundred and forty thousand people, whose property, liberty, and political salvation depend on your council. Nay, the health, the happiness, the beauty of your city, and the interests of the succeeding generation, are deposited in their care; and all these great and important interests are confided to men who are ignorant of laws and constitutions, whose education has been extremely limited, and whose habits exclude the possibility of study and reflection. Who is your city counsellor ?"

"Who? Why, sir, he is a man of greatness his father was a Hessian fiddler, but by his merits he has risen to the high station which he holds."

"Where are his merits recorded?""Nowhere."

"Was he ever in service?"-"No, sir." "Has he served the republic ?”— "No, sir."

"How has he risen ?"—" By wearing a buck's tail."

66

Enough," said Cicero ; "there is certainly some infernal conspiracy in your city, and I advise you to look to it. Where are your splendid public baths?" "We have none, sir; this council of sages has passed laws against bathing." "What!" said Cicero, "are you worse than the Turks?"

"We bathe in the docks; laws, mud, and qualls to the contrary notwithstanding."

"Where are your aqueducts?"

"We have none, sir; we drink brackish water, impregnated with lime.”

"Where are your great sewers, for cleansing your city, and keeping your air pure and wholesome?"

"Sir, the shoemakers and the carpenters would call it aristocratic to keep the city clean and pure."

66

Enough," said Cicero, "let me return to elysium; there are certainly some rascally Catalines engaged in a base conspiracy to elevate themselves to office, and impose upon the unsuspecting credulity of your citizens. If they will not open their eyes, let them bathe in muddy docks, and be stung with qualls: let them drink unhealthy salt-water:. let them breathe the air of filthy gutters: have consumption in winter, and yellow fever in summer; and let them pay heavy taxes for their glorious privileges, until time and experience shall teach them to choose men of sense for their representatives." So saying, Cicero vanished, and Asmodeus after him.

66

On another occasion I was deeply engaged in the study "del ley commune," and searching into the disputed question whether the English_received the Norman laws, per modam conquest," or ex consensu communi; and I was wrapped in profound thought on the subject touching the conjunction of Normandy and England, de facto, under William I., and had descended in my course of reflection to Arthur, Earl of Britain, nephew of Richard I., when Asmodeus surprised me by a tap on my shoulder.

66

'Come,” said he, "the theatres are about closing for the night-the horses have acted extremely well at the Park, and the gas-lights have shone out beautifully at Chatham-the actresses and actors have ceased to be princesses and kings-the actresses have retired to their beds, Heaven bless them! and the actors are scattered to their various occupations as their whims direct. King John is smoking a cigar at the Goose and Gridiron, and the ghost of Hamlet is eating oysters, most admirably dressed, at the house of friend Irish; the bustle of Wall Street has yielded to silence—the

broker who talked all day of stock, now dreams of "money-bags and profits"the auctioneer whose morning cry was, going, going-is gone-the daily editor has finished his dirty work-the printer's devil and the city watch are taking a quiet nap-and only rogues, thieves, and men of wit are abroad in the city. Follow me, and I will show you some of the amusements of a night in town."

I accordingly followed Asmodeus, who led me into the underground apartments of the Goose and Gridiron, where we found a number of right merry, roystering dogs, drinking, laughing, talking, and debating the interesting question, why the corporation cannot keep the streets of the metropolis in a state of salubrity. Dr. Ajax took a most distinguished part in the debate. He is a little fellow, about four feet seven inches high, with a nose as big as a woman's foot, and ornamented with three strawberries on ground purple, with cheeks fiery, and chin rampant. He swore by all the gods that dirty streets are sources of health and happiness, and that he could bring a hundred and forty-two certificates of the learned faculty to prove the fact. He insisted, philosophically, that the rapidity with which animal and vegetable bodies undergo decomposition in a hot summer's-day, produces a rarefaction of the air and causes the sea-breezes, the thunder, the lightning, and the rain. He contended that the phenomena of putrefaction, as proved by the experiments of Sir John Pringle, Crelly, Priestley, Berthollet, Lavoisier, and the learned philosophers of our medical colleges, was the origin of that vital principle in the air called oxygen, which reddens the blood; he undertook to prove, logice, that although ignorant and stupid people are prejudiced in favour of pure air and clean streets, yet, nevertheless, the corporation filth is the sole cause of perfume in flowers, and red cheeks in pretty women. He said that illiterate men could never comprehend the strength of the affinities, nor the manner in which elements are combined in putrifying substances-but he insisted that they emit various gaseous bodies, which hold sulphuric and carbonic acids in solution, and produce a sort of agreeable fetor, that makes the air wholesome-and, however disgusting the exhalations may appear to an

ill-bred nose, yet, to the learned medical faculty, it is odorous as woman's breath--and to the sick, as sovereign,

66

as spermaceti." He attributed the diminutive size of the polar inhabitants to the want of putrefaction in a cold climate; and he accounted for the beautiful colours which adorn the tropical regions, by the complicated and rapid changes occasioned by tropical heat effecting spontaneous destruction. He insisted that graveyards were necessary to health, and that a city could not live without a great plenty of them.

"The saponaceous substance," said he, "which springs from the decomposition, or spontaneous destruction of fifteen or twenty thousand human carcasses, buried a few inches underground, is of a white colour, and unctuous to the touch; it was analyzed by Fourcroy, and by our medical colleges proved to be extremely favourable to salubrity. The elastic fluids which are daily and nightly exhibited by this fetor-"

"Curse your fetor !" roared out King John, "the devil take your elastic fluids and curse your spontaneous destruction. Landlord, give me a glass of brandy-and-water, and please to make it strong enough to wash down that terrible dose of Dr. Ajax. Methinks he smells of the streets, and smacks most pungently of the fetor. Odds boddikins, be quick!"

King John was a most gigantic piece of flesh and bone, with a head as big as a bushel, and a fist like a forge-hammer. He had a voice resembling the sound of a man-of-war trumpet, and his eyes, which were black and small, and set far in his head, appeared, contrasted with his red complexion, like two round pieces of jet on scarlet; after he had drunk his brandy-and-water, he gave Dr. Ajax a frown extremely well calculated to shake his whole theory to the foundation, and addressed him as follows:

"Doctor Ajax, you are a very suspicious fellow; you have your secret views and private motives, no doubt, in being the advocate for filthy streets, and city graveyards. I am told you are one of those honourable and zealous gentlemen who lately erected the lasting monuments of glory to the corporation, which have appeared in William and Pine Streets, called the Ancient Pelgi, consisting of stones, dead cats, old shoes

and offals. But, sir, let me tell you, I am a citizen, and have no idea of dying with the yellow fever, to support your wretched system of spontaneous destruction-and if nothing else will stop your preaching, I hold in my fist a powerful knock-down argument, and here it goes."

So saying, he held out his right hand digits, and fixing his head on his left shoulder, as if he had been visited with a preternatural contraction of the mastoid muscle, he offered to take Dr. Ajax positively by the nose. At that inter

esting crisis, who should enter but the ghost of Hamlet. He was followed by Captain Needle, of the Militia Volunteers, Squire Capias, of the Bar, and Jacky Sheet, of the Navy, all primed and ready for fun. As soon as they saw the hand of King John approaching the flaming nose of the doctor, they united in demanding an immediate surrender.

Squire Capias pronounced the proceeding contra corpus legis non scriptæ, at least until the cause should be heard. Captain Needle swore that the slightest touch on the doctor's nose would spring a mine, that might blow the Goose and Gridiron to the devil.

Jacky Sheet entreated King John not to burn his fingers by running them against the doctor's fiery bowsprit.

The ghost of Hamlet bawled aloud, "Beware!"

King John dropped his forge-hammer, and the nose of the doctor shone on, like a "lantern in the poop." The belligerents being thus at rest, Squire Capias instituted a court of inquiry, and desired to learn the origin of the war.

The doctor declared that he was innocent as a lamb of any wicked design, and, least of all things, did he harbour the thought of offending King John. Nor could he possibly divine the cause of his indignation; he, however, opined, that he had advanced two theories, in rerum natura, which did not meet the approbation of the king; but which, nevertheless, said he, "I am bound by every tie of duty to maintain, even at the hazard of my life-because if I don't maintain those positions, my practice will not maintain me; and I desire any body to assign as good a reason as that for half they do, if they can. My postulata are as follow:

"Imprimus.-Dirty streets are sources of health, and wealth, and happiness,

in a great metropolis like the city of New York. Instance.-See the health, fatness, and contentment of the pigs wallowing in the gutters in Wall Street in a hot summer's day. "Secundus.-Burial-grounds in large cities are at all times salubrious, and especially in the dog-days.

"Ex gr.-Although the disagreeable and hurtful odours exhaled from burialgrounds in the hot season may be noxious to those people who reside in the neighbourhood, yet the more people are sick the better for us doctors, who depend on the sickness of others for a livelihood; and that is as plain as the nose on my face, Q. E. D." King John in reply was stopped by the court.

Having consulted together, Jacky Sheet delivered the opinion of the bench. "The city is infested with a certain set of pestilent, piratical, privateering Pythagoreans, who most falsely and wickedly spread about the highly dangerous and plaguey doctrines, that if the quarantine laws were all enforced, dirty gutters and odorous graveyards can do no harm. We take Doctor Ajax to be one of these competitors. These dangerous logicians endeavour, by a curious jargon, to face the people of this city out of their wit. Their bibble-babble begins with the first thaw, and lasts till Jack Frost stops their nonsense. In yellow-fever time, instead of administering health to the sick, and consolation to the healthy, they quarrel with each other about the most ridiculous phrases, and thereby greatly alarm and distract the goodly inhabitants of this right prosperous and most simple city. We therefore highly approve of the honest indignation of King John; we think that Doctor Ajax, and every fellow who preaches his system of philosophy, ought to be condemned to skull-cap and thin potations for forty days; and if any dissatisfied, rebellious litigant, says a word against this our judgment, we doom him to stand in the mud at the junction of Pine and William Streets all day, and to sleep all night in the most odorous and healthy burial-ground south of the city hall.”

Hereupon the court was adjourned sine nocie. Asmodeus bade me give an account of these proceedings, and as he vanished unto thin air, he laughed and said, "other people than the Egyptians may be lost in a fog."

THE three Misses Damper are very nice girls; that is to say if ladies of forty, when unmarried, may be called girls, about which I have some misgivings; and I was just about writing a slashing article upon a new work, of which the publishers refused me a copy, when in the three graces walked. "Confound the women!" I ejaculated almost loud enough for them to hear as they sat down uninvited, and severally unpacked their albums, in which, on a previous occasion, they forced from me a promise to write. An hour's unmeaning chattering about every thing but what would interest me, worked me into a fever, and the dread of their having an excuse to call again, determined me to do some offhand piece for each the moment I could get rid of them. I saw their books with delight, and slammed the door loud enough to frighten less nervous ladies into hysterics. The stuff which was scattered through the ladies' albums afforded some amusement, and I resolved to get rid of my job at once.

Confound the women!" I muttered, as I dipped my newly-mended pen into the inkstand, and with contracted brow prepared to compose something soft and airy. "Confound the women! I wish the whole sex were at the bottom of lake Asphaltites." I wrote-To Miss Cle

mentina J. Damper,
Could those bright eyes whose every glance
Sends blissful raptures through my frame,
Could they but-

A knock at the door introduced to my notice a little person with spectacles and a cane-an imitation gentleman; whom, although, arrayed in new attire, you could detect for a vagabond and a quack by a single glance. With a bow, which was evidently intended as a graceful one, he said,

"I presume I have the honour of addressing the editor of the

"I am the editor, sir."

?"

"Then, sir, I appeal to you to enlighten the world upon the subject of my new pectoral, mysterious, revivifying, anti-dyspeptic syrup. It relieves every thing, sir. Consumption, croup, cancer, colds, fever, and liver complaints. It renders the voice clear and sonorous, and is, therefore, extremely beneficial to vocalists and public speakers. It makes the hair grow, and prevents the toothache. I wish you to mention me in your paper; and also publish this certificate, which I assure you is a voluntary thing on the part of the person by whom it was drawn:

"This is to certify that I, John G. Brown, of the county of Essex, did for many years labour under- "

I cut him short, and having succeeded in sending him about his business, not without difficulty, sat down once more to Miss Damper's album. I had not, however read further than " blissful raptures," when a man came in with a piece of sponge, about as large as my head. He flung it down upon the table, so that it