DEATH AND DR. HORNBOOK.

A TRUE STORY.

[The following circumstance occasioned the composition of this poem :"The schoolmaster of Tarbolton parish, to eke up the scanty subsistence allowed to that useful class of men, had set up a shop of grocery goods. Having accidentally fallen in with some medical books, and become most hobby-horsically attached to the study of medicine, he had added the sale of a few medicines to his little trade. He had got a shop-bill printed, at the bottom of which, overlooking his own incapacity, he had advertised, that 'Advice would be given in common disorders at the shop gratis.'"-Lockhart's Life of Burns.]

SOME books are lies frae end to end,
And some great lies were never penn'd;
Ev'n ministers, they hae been kenn'd,
In holy rapture,

A rousing whid,' at times, to vend
And nail 't wi' Scripture.

But this that I am gaun to tell,
Which lately on a night befel,
Is just as true 's the deil 's in hell,
Or Dublin city:

That e'er he nearer comes oursel
's a muckle pity.

The clachan yill' had made me canty,
I was na fou, but just had plenty;
I stacher'd' whyles, but yet took tent" ay
To free the ditches;

An' hillocks, stanes, and bushes kenn'd ay
Frae ghaists' and witches.

The rising moon began to glowers
The distant Cumnock hills out-owre;
To count her horns wi' a' my power,
I set mysel;

But whether she had three or four,

I cou'd na tell.

1 A lie.-2 Village ale.-3 Merry.-4 Drunk.-6 Staggered. Took heed. - From ghosts.-8 To shine faintly.

I was come round about the hill,
And todlin" down on Willie's mill,
Setting my staff wi' a' my skill,

To keep me sicker;'

Tho' leeward whyles, against my will,
I took a bicker."

I there wi' something did forgather'
That put me in an eerie swither;"
An awfu' scythe out-owre ae shouther,
Clear, dangling hang;

A three-taed leister" on the ither

Lay, large an' lang.

Its stature seem'd lang Scotch ells twa,
The queerest shape that e'er I saw,
For fient a wame it had ava!

And then, its shanks,

They were as thin, as sharp, an' sma'
As cheeks o' branks!"

"Guid-e'en," quo' I; "Friend! hae ye been mawin
When ither folk are busy sawin' ?""1o
It seem'd to mak a kind o' stan',

But naething spak;

At length, says I, "Friend, whare ye gaun,

Will

ye go back?"

It spak right howe"-"My name is Death,
But be na fley'd."
"12-Quoth I, "Guid faith!
Ye're maybe come to stap my breath;
But tent me, billie; 13

I red" ye weel, tak care o' scaith,15

See there's a gully!”

"Gudeman," quo' he, "put up your whittle,
I'm no design'd to try its metal;

But if I did, I wad be kittle"

To be mislear'd;18

1 Tottering.-2 Steady.-3 A short run.-4 Mect.-5 Frightful hesitation. - A three-pronged dart.-7 Belly.-8 At all.-9 A kind of wooden curb for norses.-10 This rencounter happened in seed-time, 1785.-11 with a hollow tone of voice.-12 Frightened.-13 Heed me, good fellow.-14 To counsel, or advise.-15 Injury.-16 A large knife.-17 Ticklish, difficult.-18 Mischievous; i. e. it would be no easy matter for you to hurt, or do me any mischief.

I wad na mind it, no that spittle
Out-owre my beard."

"Weel, weel!" says I, "a bargain be 't;
Come, gie 's your hand, an' sae we're gree't;'
We'll ease our shanks an' tak a seat,

Come, gie's your news;

This while ye hae been monie a gate,3
At monie a house."

"Ay, ay!" quo' he, an' shook his head,
"It's e'en a lang, lang time indeed,
Sin' I began to nick the thread,

An' choke the breath:

Folk maun do something for their bread,
An' sae maun Death.

"Sax thousand years are near hand fled
Sin' I was to the butching bred,
An' monie a scheme in vain 's been laid,
To stap or scaur me;

Till ane Hornbook 's taen up the trade,
An' faith, he 'll waur' me.

"Ye ken Jock Hornbook i' the clachan,
Deil mak his king's-hood' in a spleuchan!10
He's grown sae weel acquaint wi' Buchan"
An' ither chaps,

The weans1 haud out their fingers laughin',
An' pouk my hips.

"See here's a scythe, and there's a dart,
They hae pierced monie a gallant heart;
But Doctor Hornbook, wi' his art

And cursed skill,

Has made them baith no worth a f-t,

Damn'd haet13 they'll kill!

1 Agreed.-2 An epidemical fever was then raging in that part of the country. Many a road.-4 Butchering.-5 Stop or scare.

• This gentleman, Dr. Hornbook, is professionally a brother of the sovereign Order of the Ferula; but, by intuition and inspiration, is at once an apothecary, surgeon, and physician.

7 Worst, or defeat.-8 Hamlet, or village.-9 A part of the entrails.—10 A tobacco pouch.-11 Buchan's Domestic Medicine.-12 Children.

13 An oath of negation; i. e. in Dr. Hornbook's opinion he has rendered my weapons harmless; they'll kill nobody.

""Twas but yestreen,' nae farther gane,
I threw a noble throw at ane;

Wi' less I'm sure I've hundreds slain;
But Deil-ma-care,

It just play'd dirl3 on the bane,
But did nae mair.

"Hornbook was by, wi' ready art,
And had sae fortified the part,
That when I looked to my dart,
It was sae blunt,

Fient haet' o 't wad hae pierced the heart
Of a kail-runt.5

"I drew my scythe in sic a fury,
I near had cowpit wi' my hurry,
But yet the bauld apothecary

Withstood the shock;
I might as well hae tried a quarry
O' hard whin' rock.

8

"Ev'n them he canna get attended,
Altho' their face he ne'er had kenn'd it,
Just in a kail-blade and send it,
As soon's he smells 't,
Baith their disease, and what will mend it,
At once he tells 't.

"And then a' doctor's saws an' whittles,
Of a' dimensions, shapes, an' mettles,
A' kinds o' boxes, mugs, an' bottles,
He's sure to hae;

Their Latin names as fast he rattles
As A B C.

"Calces o' fossils, earth, and trees;
True sal-marinum o' the seas;
The farina of beans and pease,
He has 't in plenty;

1 Yesternight.-2 No matter!-3 A slight tremulous stroke.-4 An oath of negation.-5 The stem of Colewort.-6 Tumbled.-7 The hard stone found in the Scottish hills; granite.

Those patients who cannot attend upon the doctor, or cannot be seen by him, must send their water in a vial, from the sight of which he pretends to know and cure their various diseases.

9 Knives.

Aqua-fontis, what you please,

He can content ye.

"Forbye' some new uncommon weapons,
Urinus spiritus of capons:

Or mite-horn shavings, filings, scrapings,
Distill'd per se;

Sal-alkali o' midge-tail clippings,

And monie mae.

112

"Waes me for Johnny Ged's Holes now,"
Quo' I, "if that the news be true!
His braw calf-ward, where gowans grew
Sae white and bonnie,

Nae doubt they'll rive it wi' the pleugh;
They'll ruin Johnny!"

6

The creature grain'd an eldritch laugh,
And says, "Ye need na yoke the pleugh,
Kirk-yards will soon be till'd eneugh.
Tak ye nae fear:

They'll a' be trench'd wi' monie a sheugh,'
In twa-three year.

"Whare I kill'd ane a fair strae death,
By loss o' blood or want o' breath,
This night I'm free to tak my aith,
That Hornbook's skill
Has clad a score i' their last claith,"
By drap an' pill.

"An honest wabster1 to his trade,

Whase wife's twa nieves" were scarce weel bred,
Gat tippence-worth to mend her head,
When it was sair;

The wife slade cannie" to her bed,

But ne'er spak mair.

"A countra laird had taen the batts,"
Or some curmurring in his guts;

1 Besides.-2 More.-3 A name given to the grave-digger.-4 An inclosure for calves; the term is here used in allusion to the church-yard.—5 Daisies.— • Groaned a frightful laugh.—7 Ditch, or trench; i. e. will be filled with graves. To die in bed, in a natural way.- Shroud.-10 A weaver — 11 Fists.-12 Slide gently, or dexterously.-13 Botts.-14 Murmuring, a slight rumbling noise.