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A statue, motionless he gazed,
Astonished, horror-struck, amazed!
So looked the gallant Perseus, when
Medusa's visage met his ken;
So looked Macbeth, whose guilty eye
Discerned an air-drawn dagger nigh;
And so the prince of Denmark stared,
When first his father's ghost appeared.
10. At length our hero silence broke,

And thus in wildest accents spoke:
"Cut off my whiskers! O ye gods!
I'd sooner lose my ears, by odds;
Madam, I'd not be so disgraced,
So lost to fashion and to taste,
To win an empress to my arms,

Though blest with more than mortal charms.
My whiskers! Zounds!" He said no more,
But quick retreated through the door,
And sought a less obdurate fair,
To take the beau with all his hair.

LESSON II.

THE QUIET MR. SMITH,

FANNY FERN.

"What a quiet man your husband is, Mrs Smith."

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1. QUIET! a snail is an express train" to him! If the top of this house should blow off, he'd just sit still and spread his umbrella! He's a regular pussy-cat. Comes into the front door as though the entry was paved with eggs, and sits down in his chair as if there was a nest of kittens under the cushion,

He'll be the death of me yet. I read him all the horrid accidents, dreadful collisions, murders and explosions, and he takes it just easy as if I was saying the ten commandments.

2. He is never astonished, or startled, or delighted. If a cannon-ball should come through that window, he would'nt move an eye-lash. If I should make the voyage of the world, and return some fine day, he'd take off his spectacles, put them in the case, fold up the newspaper, and setttle his dickey, before he'd be ready to say, "Good morning, Mrs. Smith." If he'd been born of a poppy he could'nt be more soporific.

3. I wonder if all the Smiths are like him. When Adam got tired of naming his numerous descendants, he said, “ Let all the rest be called Smith!" Well, I don't care for that, but he ought to have known better than to call my husband Abel Smith. Do you suppose, if I were a man, I would let a woman support me? Where do you think Abel's coats, and cravats, and canes, and cigars, come from? Out of my brain! "Quiet!"-it's perfectly refreshing to me to hear of a comet, or see a locomotive, or look at a streak of chain-lightning! I tell you he is the expressed essence of chloroform.

LESSON III.

CAUDLEOLOGY.

JERROLD.

1. WELL, that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas. What were you to do? Why, let him go home in the rain, to be sure. I am very certain he would'nt spoil. Take cold indeed? He doesn't look like one of the sort to take cold. Besides, he'd have better taken cold than taken our umbrella. 2. Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say, do you hear the rain? And, as I'm alive, if it is'nt St. Swithin's day! Do

you hear it against the windows? Nonsense! you don't impose upon me; you can't be asleep with such a shower as that. Do you hear it, I say? O, you do hear it! Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last for six weeks; and no stirring all the time out of the house. Pooh! don't think me a fool, Mr. Caudle; don't insult me; he return the umbrella! Anybody would think you were born yesterday. As if anybody ever did return an umbrella!

Cats and

3. There, do you hear it? Worse and worse. dogs, and for six weeks: always six weeks; and no umbrella. I should like to know how the children are to go to school tomorrow. They shan't go through such weather; I am determined. No, they shall stop at home and never learn anything, (the blessed creatures,) sooner than go and get wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank for knowing nothing; who, indeed, but their father? People who can't feel for their own children ought never to be fathers.

4. But I know why you lent the umbrella; oh, yes, I know very well. I was going out to tea at dear mother's to-morrow; you knew that, and you did it on purpose. Don't tell me! you hate to have me go there, and take every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Mr. Caudle; no, sir; if it comes down in buckets full, I'll go all the more. No, and I won't have a cab! Where do you think the money's to come from? You've got nice high notions at that club of yours!

5. A cab, indeed! Cost me sixteen-pence, at least. Sixteen-pence! two-and-eight-pence: for there's back again. Cabs, indeed! I should like to know who's to pay for 'em; for I'm sure you can't, if you go on as you do, throwing away your property, and beggaring your children, buying umbrellas!

6. Do you hear the rain, Mr. Caudle? I say do you hear it? But I don't care- I'll go to mother's to-morrow -I will; and what's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and

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you know that will give me my death.

Don't call me a fool

ish woman; it's you that's the foolish man.

7. You know I can't wear clogs; and with no umbrella, the wet's sure to give me a cold; it always does; but what do you care for that? Nothing at all. I may be laid up, for what you care, as I dare say I shall; and a pretty doctor's bill there'll be. I hope there will. It will teach you to lend your umbrellas again. I should'nt wonder if I caught my death; yes, and that's what you lent the umbrella for. Of course. 8. Nice clothes I get, too, traipsing through weather like this. My gown and bonnet will be spoiled quite. Needn't wear 'em then? Indeed, Mr. Caudle, I shall wear 'em. No, sir; I'm not going out a dowdy, to please you, or anybody else. Gracious knows! it is'nt often that I step over the threshhold; indeed, I might as well be a slave at once; better, I should say; but when I do go out, Mr. Caudle, I choose to go as a lady.

9. O, that rain-if it is't enough to break in the windows! Ugh! I look forward with dread for to-morrow. How I am to go to mother's, I am sure I can't tell; but if I die, I'll do it. No, sir; I won't borrow an umbrella-no, and you shan't buy one. Mr. Caudle, if you bring home another umbrella, I'll throw it into the street. Ha! and it was only last week, I had a new nozzle put to that umbrella. I'm sure if I'd have known as much as I do now, it might have gone without one. Paying for new nozzles for other people to laugh at you!

10. O, it's all very well for you; you can go to sleep. You've no thought of your poor, patient wife, and your own dear children; you think of nothing but lending umbrellas! Men, indeed!-call themselves lords of the creation! pretty lords, when they can't even take care of an umbrella!

11. I know that walk to-morrow will be the death of me. But that's what you want; then you may go to your club, and do as you like; and then nicely my poor, dear children will be

used-but then, sir, then you'll be happy. Yes, when your poor, patient wife is dead and gone, then you'll marry that mean little widow Quilp, I know you will.

LESSON IV.

PLEADING AT THE BAR.

LAFAYETTE BIGELOW PARTINGTON, ESQ.

1. MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT-Gentlemen of the Jury— You sit in that box as the great reservoir of Roman liberty, Spartan fame, and Grecian polytheism. You are to swing the great flail of justice and electricity over this immense community, in hydraulic majesty, and conjugal superfluity. You are the great triumphal arch on which evaporates the even scales of justice and numerical computation. You are to as cend the deep arcana of nature, and dispose of my client with equiponderating concatenation, in reference to his future velocity and reverberating momentum.

2. Such is your sedative and stimulating character. My client is only a man of domestic eccentricity and matrimonial configuration, not permitted, as you are, gentlemen, to walk in the primeval and lowest vales of society, but he has to endure the red-hot sun of the universe, on the heights of nobility and feudal eminence. He has a beautiful wife of horticultural propensities, that hen-pecks the remainder of his days with soothing and bewitching verbosity, that makes the nectar of his pandemonium as cool as Tartarus.

3. He has a family of domestic children, that gather around the fireplace of his peaceful homicide in tumultitudinous consanguinity, and cry with screaming and rebounding pertinacity for bread, butter, and molasses. Such is the glowing and overwhelming character and defeasance of my client, who stands

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