LITERARY REFORM. We have had parliamentary reform, legal reform, church reform, corporation reform; it is full time, we are of opinion, to have a little literary reform. There are divers corruptions and abuses in the commonwealth of letters, which, enemies of innovation as we are, we would joyfully see corrected; and we deem it better that their correction should originate with persons of our principles, than in a quarter where to revise means to destroy, and reform would, in all probability, be nothing but a handsome mask to disguise the ill-favoured features of revolution. Under these impressions, we have herein endeavoured in a succinct manner to enumerate the most prominent evils which, upon a general survey of the domains of the pen, appear to us most to deform and disgrace that fair region, and grieve the hearts of the "sweet Lady muses.' Where we have been so fortunate as to have discovered appropriate remedies, we have specified them in short, the present article may be looked upon as a sort of draft of a bill for the reform of literature intended to be submitted to a general convention of the literary estates of the realm, whenever, wherever, and in obedience to whatever writ, such convention shall be duly summoned and holden. It is in consequence of this intention that we have adopted to a certain extent the phraseology of acts of parliament, and made the several enactments we have to recommend the subjects of so many distinct paragraphs or clauses. We shall detain the reader with no further preface; but, praying the dews of Castalie to descend upon our labours, and make them profitable unto a richer harvest than has heretofore, in any age or language, been gathered into the garners of learning, we take the pruning hook in hand, and begin by proposing 1. That to prevent the recurrence of sundry lamentable evils that are daily observed to flow from the publication of books utterly void of, and wholly uninformed with taste, sense, or knowledge, it shall in future, that is to say, from the day of the passing of these presents, be unlawful and criminal, and a high crime and misdemeanour, for any person or persons, male or female, to practice the calling, craft, trade, or profession of authorship, save and except such person or persons shall be possessed of, and endowed with, some portion or portions, measure or measures, grain or grains, of the qualifications aforesaid, that is to say, taste, sense, and knowledge. 2. And whereas "ex nihilo nihil fit" is a maxim of sound and true wisdom; and nothing, however copiously treated of, or elegantly handled, is to all intents and purposes still nothing, it is hereby further enacted, that all individuals who shall in future take upon themselves to write, with a view to the printing and publishing of such writing, shall be provided with a subject or subjects of some kind or description to be therein discussed or treated. 3. And it is hereby further enacted, that no author or authoress having chosen a theme or subject for his or her pen, shall upon any account quit, abandon, leave, or forsake it for more than a certain number of pages, (the number to be hereafter fixed and determined as to the estates of literature in parliament assembled shall seem fit and right,) upon pain of being held guilty of literary desertion or apostacy, and punished accordingly. 4. No author or authoress, having deliberately and after due consideration made choice of any theme or subject to be by him or her, in any book or books, considered or handled, and having announced in the advertisement or title-page of said book or books, his or her intention to treat thereof, shall presume in the body of the work, and throughout the same, to treat of another subject altogether different therefrom, upon pain of incurring the penalties in the preceding clause specified and contained. 5. No episode in any poem shall occupy or extend to a larger portion or space than a moiety thereof. 6. The notes, appendixes, or illustrations of no work or publication whatever, whether in prose or verse, shall, upon any account, exceed in quantity the text or body of such work or publication. 7. And whereas it is very usual and a daily practice for authors and authoresses to procure by certain corrupt methods and artifices the insertion in divers Reviews, Magazines, Newspa. pers, and other periodical publications of laudatory critiques by their own pens, written upon their own books or productions, intermingled with glowing panegyrics and encomiums upon their own talents and abilities, and whereas such authors and authoresses are not in general the most trust-worthy and unbiassed judges of their own literary merits or demerits, it is hereby enacted that henceforward said practice shall be deemed a high literary misdemeanour, and shall subject the offender to the punishment at present by law at tached to common swindling. 8. And whereas literary larceny hath of late been scandalously frequent, and the old laws against plagiarism have been found insufficient to restrain evil doers, it is hereby enacted that any writer who shall be convicted of filching or embezzling the wit, eloquence, or erudition of another shall be punishable as for common stealing, save and except such embezzlement shall appear to the court by this act instituted and appointed to have been committed for the benefit of literature, and not for the personal profit and advancement of said writer. 9. But nothing in the foregoing clause contained shall apply to the case of such person or persons as shall, at any time, be charged with any trespass or depredation on the works of those who mistake any horse-pond for Hippocrene, the pond of Pegasus, and such other productions, by a certain figure of speech, to wit, by the figure called Antiphrasis, designated poems; such person or persons being obviously of nou-sane memory, or idiots, shall be taken under the protection of the Lord High Chancellor, and lodged in some convenient lunatic asylum. 10. And whereas the custom of writing for both sides in politics hath of late much prevailed, to the great discredit of literature, it is hereby declared unlawful and criminal in any writer, to contribute at one and the same time to two newspapers or other periodicals of diametrically opposite or conflicting principles, unless such writer shall go before two magistrates or justices of the peace, and make oath on his reputation, that such writing for both sides is absolutely necessary to save him from death by hunger. 11. And whereas there be authors of both genders whose wont is and hath long been to mix, interlard, and adulterate the plain, sterling, intelligible English of this realm, commonly called the King's English, with divers and manifold phrases, expressions, and modes of speech, borrowed from the languages of France, Italy, Spain, Germany, Holland, Arabia, and Timbuctoo, with those of sundry other nations and countries; and whereas the full equivalent in meaning of such phrases is ge. nerally, with a little pains-taking, to be found in the vernacular, and whereas, moreover, the grand object of writing is to be comprehensible, and the great majority of the readers of said authors of both genders understand English reasonably well, but are by no means equally proficient in French, Italian, Spanish, German, Dutch, Arabic, or Timbuctoo, or in any dialects of the same, it shall and may be lawful for such readers, or any of them, to employ, for their own aid and succour, in the perusal of the works of said authors, competent and proper masters of languages, if such shall be found within the realm, and, if not, it shall be lawful to import them from beyond sca, the cost of such masters and of their importation (when that shall be necessary) to be levied, and by virtue of this act, it shall be levied upon the property of said authors, real as well as personal. 12. In every author or authoress there shall be required a certain fitness or aptitude for the subject whereon he or she shall undertake to edify, instruct, or illuminate the public; no amatory poet shall write on theology; no lady shall write on the Integral Calculus ; no blockhead shall publish epic poems; or cabinet minister presume to discourse or treat upon the art of government or any question thereto in any wise appertaining. 13. Nothing in the foregoing clause contained, shall be so understood as to prevent any priest or father confessor from writing or publishing any work or treatise upon fox-hunting, or any essay or dissertation upon the culinary art, provided such functionary shall be the holder of three or more parishes, and the last bottle-holder in any of the same. 14. And whereas there now is in common and vulgar use, in publications of all kinds, but more particularly newspapers, a certain established and fixed set of quotations, many taken from the ancient classic authors, but most from Shakespeare, Milton, Pope, and other writers of renown in our own tongue, which quotations, albeit in themselves excellent, and often marvellously apt in their application, have notwithstanding grown stale and wearisome by reason of their unceasing recurrence, be it hereby enacted, that said set of quotations shall, from and after the passing of this act, be relieved and respited, and suffered to rest in peace, and a fresh detachment from the same or other authors be picked out and ordered upon duty. 15. But nothing in the foregoing clause contained shall be taken or construed, so as to prevent, impede, let, hinder, or in anywise obstruct Daniel O'Connell, Esq. M. P. in the free use, upon all occasions, and in all speeches or letters by him delivered or written, and in the course of any single speech or letter, as often as to him shall seem meet and proper, of a certain passage or extract from certain poems, commonly called Moore's Irish Melodies, to wit, "Great, glorious, and free, as from said Irish melodies, reference 16. And whereas from the titlepage only of any work, or from the mere name of the author, or from a bare glance at the frontispiece or vignette, it is not in all cases practicable to gather a sound and accurate estimate of the excellencies or demerits thereof, it is hereby enacted, that all reviewers and critics, quarterly, monthly, or weekly, shall henceforward be obliged to read, at least, two pages of every book, pamphlet, or other literary production howsoever entitled, which the said reviewers and critics, shall undertake to review or criticize. 17. But inasmuch as it may not be gainsayed, that there be certain authors; for example, the hereinbefore mentioned muddy-water poets, the perusal of whose works, even to the extent of two pages, is not to be accomplished without imminent danger to the health or life of the person venturing to peruse the same, it is herebyprovided, that when any reviewer or critic shall, by reason of his compliance with the enactment contained in the clause foregoing, incur any sickness, malady, disease, or other bodily detriment, it shall be lawful for him, upon affidavit made before a magistrate or justice of the peace, and upon the production of certificates from two doctors of medicine, setting forth the patient's malady, and stating the cause thereof to have been the perusal, in his capacity of reviewer of two or more pages of any work or production whatever, to recover from the author of such work or production, the expenses incurred by said malady, including physician's fees, apothecary's charges, and nurse-tender's wages, together with damages to said reviewer for the loss of his time, and the permanent injury, if any, done to his constitution. 18. And whereas it is not impossible that a writer, although of the staunchest Tory principles may, notwithstanding, some time or other justly incur the lash of critical censure, and on the other hand, it may well hap pen that an author, albeit a Whig, may yet occasionally stumble upon some happy thought or blunder upon some useful proposition, be it therefore enacted, that no reviewer or critic shall in future be guided in his eulogy or reprehension of any author, solely and exclusively by the coincidence or disagreement of the politics of such author, with the politics of him, said reviewer or critic. 19. And whereas it is customary with the proprietors of reviews, magazines, and other periodicals, to engage with the contributors to the same at the rate of so much by the line, page, or sheet, and said usage manifestly tends to the injury of literature and detriment of the public, which is thereby in constant danger of being deluged or inundated with a certain sort or description of writing, commonly called balderdash, it is hereby enacted, that said mode of remunerating writers shall cease altogether, and that henceforward, or from the passing of this act, all contributors to periodical publications, shall be paid or rewarded upon a new system; that is to say, they shall receive so much for every original and sensible idea, remark, or observation, contained, or with reasonable pains discoverable in their respective articles or contributions. 20. And it is hereby provided and declared, that the remuneration of no author or authoress shall be at a less rate than one penny sterling per idea, said penny to be a bona fide cash payment, inasmuch as it is fair and proper that labour should have its reward, and contributors to periodicals are not chameleons that they can subsist altogether on air. 21. And it is hereby further provided, that if any contributor to any magazine or other periodical shall die of famine in consequence of any violation by the proprietor thereof of the enactments in the clause preceding, he, the proprietor so offending shall defray the charge of the funeral of said contributor, and shall furnish hat-bands and scarfs to all the contributors who, upon public notice given, shall choose to attend such funeral. 22. Nothing in the clauses foregoing expressed or provided shall be so understood as to hinder the proprietor of any periodical from exercising any measure of liberality that to him may seem good, towards the writers in his employment, or so, on the other hand, as to interfere with the undoubted right and privilege which belongeth to every free author and authoress, of refusing to accept any reward, recompense, or guerdon, for his or her literary labours. 23. Any contributor to a Magazine, or other periodical work, who by any article or essay, whether in prose or rhyme, by him thereto contributed, and therein printed and published, shall cause or occasion, proximately or remotely, the decease or death of such periodical, shall be liable to a prosecution by the proprietor or proprietors thereof, for the crime of literary murder, and shall, upon conviction by a jury of twelve contributors, suffer the extreme punishment of the law, to wit, the daily perusal of a speech of the Chancellor of the Exchequer for the term of his natural life. 24. All editors and conductors of Re views, Magazines, Newspapers, and other similar publications, shall henceforward be deemed unqualified for their situations or functions, unless they the said editors and conductors shall have been initiated into the rudiments of a liberal education. 25. All sub-editors shall at least be required to read and write; but nothing in this or in the previous clause contained is in any manner or wise intended to affect or to apply to a certain class of periodicals commonly called Annuals. 26. No proprietor, editor, or subeditor of any periodical shall, under any circumstances, presume to beat, kick, maim, or wantonly abuse, insult, or vituperate any contributor or contributors to such periodical, or any person fairly, peaceably, and quietly seeking or aspiring to contribute thereto. 27. No writer of either sex shall seek, attempt, or contrive, either by brute violence, or by the arts of insinuation, or any sinister, indirect, or corrupt method whatever, to force, thrust, or impose any article or paper of his or her composition, fabric, or manufacture, upon the editor of any Magazine or Review; and in case any contributor, or other person at his instigation, shall resort to force or intimidation to procure the insertion of any paper against the will of the editor, by him expressed and conveyed in calm and civil phraseology, it shall be lawful for such editor to resist such attempt or aggression by force of arms. 28. And it is hereby further enacted, that any contributor forcibly breaking door or window, or seeking by any indirect way, descending the chimney or otherwise, to effect an entrance into the apartment, closet, study, office, or sanctum sanctorum of any editor, contrary to the inclination and against the wish of said editor, shall upon prosecution or conviction, be incapacitated for seven years from contributing to any periodical of character; and on a second conviction for the same offence, shall be sent to the Annuals for life. 29. Any person who shall, directly or indirectly, make any article or paper by him furnished to any periodical, the means, instrument, or vehicle for communicating to the public the same favourable opinion of his own talents, accomplishments, mental or personal perfections, as may happen to be in his own mind impressed or rooted, shall receive for every such offence one thousand lines of Alfred Tennison on the bare drum of his ear; said punishment, however, to be commutable, on the petition of the criminal to that effect, into the same number of lashes with a cart-whip. 30. And whereas, through a dark, bigoted, and superstitious reverence for the number three, it has become an established usage with the writers of romances and novels to expand the efforts or productions of their respective fancies or imaginations into three volumes, without respect at all had to their several resources, powers, or materials, which in many cases are utterly and palpably unequal to sustain the interest of so much as one volume alone; and whereas there is no virtue, spell, magic, or charm in said number three to supply the room of wit, humour, or incident, where these or any of them from any cause become exhausted, be it therefore enacted, for the improvement of this pleasant department of literature, and for the protection of the purses and pockets of those who relish and patronize the same, that all writers of romances and novels shall in future confine their works within the just, decent, and natural limits to them prescribed and set by the powers of their own genius, and the materials for pursuing the story in their hands existing and being. 31. And whereas it is a custom with said writers of novels and romances to preface or introduce each chapter of the works by them written with certain citations or extracts from some poet or poets, or other writer or writers; and said custom hath in the lapse of time grown into a great and crying evil, said extracts having in number and length frightfully multiplied and increased, insomuch that it is frequent to see a score of mottos to a single chapter, covering in some instances a space of three or more pages, it is hereby enacted, that in future no chapter of any tale, novel, story, romance, or any publication whatever, be the subject thereof fact or fiction, shall upon any account, or on any pretence, be introduced, preluded, or ushered in by more than six such mottos or extracts, nor shall such six extracts occupy more than one page of said publication, be the same more or less. 32. No motto or extract prefixed to any chapter of any work designed for general perusal and entertainment, shall be in the Greek, Arabic, Hebrew, or Chinese languages, or any of the dialects thereof, or any language written in a character other than that which is commonly called the alphabet of these realms. 33. And whereas it appears that certain persons styling themselves tragic writers, do upon sundry occasions unexpectedly and treacherously shake, agitate, and convulse with long and dangerous fits of laughter, the loyal, grave, demure, and serious people, who, seeking food for melancholy, and not at all prepared for the shaking of their sides, or the splitting of the same, assemble in public theatres to behold represented and enacted the plays or dramas of said writers; and whereas on the other hand, it has frequently occurred that individuals self-denominated comic authors, or writers of farce, do with the like perfidy and baseness plunge whole audiences, prepared for nothing but merriment and good humour, into deep and settled sadness and despondency, it is hereby enacted, to prevent the renewal or repetition of such abuses and scandals, that any author or authoress who shall, from the date of the passing of this act, transgress in either of the ways aforementioned, shall upon prosecution and conviction, be sent to the lead-mines for seven years, and shall on liberation from thence, be required to give large security to the public for his or her future good behaviour. 34. Any author or authoress who shall, in the course of any book or books by him or her written and published, commit or perpetrate any pun or puns, shall for such offence, upon conviction thereof, be sentenced to pun in the Comic Annual for the term of his or her natural life. 35. Any author or authoress who designedly, intentionally, and wilfully shall in any work, grave or humorous, by him or her written and published, commit or perpetrate any alliteration or alliterations, shall for every such offence, upon conviction thereof, receive one chapter of a certain novel |