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But you take a little more punch after that? Pa. No, sir, punch does not agree with me at bedtime. I tak a tumbler of warm whiskey-toddy at night; it is lighter to sleep on.
Dr. So it must be, no doubt. This, you say, is your everyday life ; but upon great occasions, you perhaps exceed a little?
Pa. No, sir, except when a friend or two dine with me, or I dine out, which as I am a sober family man, does not often happen.
Dr. Not above twice a week ?
Pa. Yes, sir, thank God, I have ; indeed, any ill health that I have is about meal time.
Dr. (Assuming a severe look, knitting his brow, and lowering his eyebrows.) Now, sir, you are a very pretty fellow indeed; you come here and tell me you are a moderate man ; but upon examination, I find by your own showing, that you are a most voracious glutton. You said you were a sober man, yet by your own showing you are a beer-swiller, a dram-drinker, a wine-bibber, and a guzzler of punch. You tell me you eat indigestible suppers, and swill toddy to force sleep.—I see that you chew tobacco.—Now, sir, what human stomach can stand this? Go home, sir, and leave your present course of riotous living, and there are hopes that your stomach may recover its tone, and you be in good health, like your neighbors.
Pa. I'm sure, doctor, I'm very much obliged to you—(taking out a bundle of bank notes.)— I shall endeavor to
Dr. Sir, you are not obliged to me-put up your money, sir. Do you think I'll take a fee for telling you what
know as well as myself? Though you're no physician, sir, you are not altogether a fool. Go home, sir, and reform, or take my word for it, your life is not worth half a year's purchase.
CAPTAIN TACKLE-JACK BOWLIN.- -Anonymous
Bowl. Yesterday your honor broke your sea-foam pipe.
Capt. Well, sir booby, and why must I be put in mind of it ? it was stupid enough, to be sure, but hark ye, Jack, all men at times do stupid actions, but I never met with one who liked to be reminded of them.
Bowl. I meant no harm, your honor. It was only a kind of introduction to what I was going to say. I have been buying this pipe-head and ebony tube, and if the thing is not too bad, and my captain will take such a present on his birth-day for the sake of poor old Jack
Capt. Is that what you would be at—come, let's see.
Bowl. To be sure it is not sea-foam ; but my captain must think when he looks at it, that the love of old Jack was not mere foam neither.
Capt. Give it here, my honest fellow.
Capt. (Withdrawing his hand from his pocket.) No, no.You are right.
Bowl. Huzza! now let mother Grimkin bake her almond cakes out of her daily pilferings and be hanged.
Capt. Fie, Jack! what's that you say ?
Bowl. The truth. I have just come from the kitchen, where she is making a great palaver about “her cake,” and “her cake," and yet this morning she must be put in mind that it was her master's birth-day. Hang me, I have thought of nothing else this month.
Capt. And because you have a better memory, you must blame the poor old woman. Shame on you, Jack.
Bowl. Please your honor, she is an old-
Bowl. Yesterday she made your wine cordial of sour beer, so to-day she makes you an almond cake of
Capt. Hold your tongue, sir. Hold your tongue.
Bowl. Aʼnt you obliged to beg the necessaries of life as if she were a pope or an admiral ? And last year when you was bled, though she had laid up chest upon chest full of linen, and all
yours, if the truth was known, yet no bandage was found till I tore the spare canvas from my Sunday shirt to rig your honor's arm.
Capt. You are a scandalous fellow. (Throws the pipe back to him.) Away with you and the pipe to the dogs.
Bowl. (Looking attentively at his master and the pipe.) I am a scandalous fellow ?
Capt. No; I will take nothing from him who would raise his own character at the expense of another old servant. (Jack takes
up the pipe and throws it out of the window.) What are you doing?
Boul. Throwing the pipe out of the window.
Bowl. Why, what should I do with it? You will not have it, and it is impossible for me to use it, for as often as I should puff away the smoke, I should think, “old Jack Bowlin, what a pitiful scamp you must be, a man whom you have served honestly and truly these thirty years, and who must know you from stem to stern, says you are a scandalous fellow," and the thought would make me weep like a child. But when the pipe is gone, I shall try to forget the whole business, and say to myself, my poor old captain is sick, and does not mean what he said.”
Capt. Jack, come here. (Takes his hand.) I did not mean what I said.
Bowl. (Shakes his hand heartily.) I knew it, I knew it. I have you and your honor at heart, and when I see such an old hypocritical bell-wether cheating you out of your hard-earned wages, it makes my blood boil
Capt. Are you at it again ? Shame on you. You have opened your heart to-day, and given me a peep into its lowest hold. Bowl. So much the better! for
will then see that my ballast is love and truth to my master. But hark ye, master, it is certainly worth your while to inquire into the business.
Capt. And hark ye, fellow, if I find you have told me a lie, I'll have no mercy on you. I'll turn you out of doors to starve in the street.
Bowl. No, captain, you won't do that.
Capt. But I tell you I will, though. I will do it. And if you say another word, I'll do it now.
Bowl. Well, then away goes old Jack to the hospital.
Capt. What's that you say? hospital ? hospital, you rascal ? what will you do there?
Capt. And so you will go and die in a hospital, will you ? Why-why-you lubber, do you think I can't take care of you after I have turned you out of doors, hey?
Bowl. Yes, I dare say you would be willing to pay my board, and take care that I did not want in my old days; but I had rather beg than pick up money so thrown at me.
Capt. Rather beg! there's a proud rascal !
Capt. Do you hear that? Is not this enough to give a sound man the gout? You sulky fellow, do you recollect twenty years ago, when we fell into the clutches of the Algerines? The pirates stripped me of my last jacket, but you lubber, who was it hid two pieces of gold in his hair, and who was it that half a year afterwards, when we were ransomed and turned naked on the world, shared his money and clothes with me? Hey, fellow, and now you would die in a hospital. Bowl. Nay, but captain
Capt. And when my ship's crew mutinied, at the risk of his life he disclosed the plot. Have you forgotten it, you lubber?
Bowl. Well, and didn't you build my old mother a house for it?
Capt. And when we had boarded the French privateer, and the captain's hanger hung over my head, didn't you strike off the arm that was going to split my skull! Have you forgot that too? Have I built you a house for that? Will you die in a hospital now-you ungrateful dog! hey?
Bowl. My good old master!
you have it set on my tombstone, “here lies an unthankful hound who let his preserver and messmate die in a hospital,” would you ? Tell me this minute, you
will live and die by me, you lubber! Come here and give me your hand.
Bowl. (Going towards him.) My noble, noble master,
Stand off, take care of my lame leg; yet I had rather you should hurt that than my heart, my old boy. (Shakes his hand heartily.) Now go and bring me the pipe. Stop, let me lean on you, and I will go down and get it myself and use it on my birth-day. You would die in a hospital, would you, you unfeeling lubber?
(Robin Roughhead discovered raking hay.) Rob. Ah! work, work, work, all day long, and no such thing as stopping a moment to rest! for there's old Snacks, the steward, always upon the look-out; and if he sees one, slap he has it down in his book, and then there's sixpence gone plump (Comes forward.) I do hate that old chap, and that's the truth on't. Now, if I was lord of this place, I'd make one rulethere should be no such thing as work ; it should be one long holiday all the year round. Your great folks have strange whims in their heads, that's for sartin. I don't know what to make of 'um, not I. Now there's all yon great park there, kept for his lordship to look at, and his lordship has not seen it these twelve years. Ah! if it was mine, I'd let all the villagers turn their cows in there, and it should not cost 'em a farthing; then, as the parson said last Sunday, I should be as rich as any in the land, for I should have the blessings of the poor. Dang it! here comes Snacks. Now I shall get a fine jobation, I suppose. (Enter Snacks, bowing very obsequiously; Robin takes his hat off, and stands staring at him.)
Rob. I be main tired, Master Snacks; so I stopt to rest myself a little. I hope you'll excuse it. I wonder what the dickens he's grinning at. (Aside.)
Snacks. Excuse it? I hope your lordship's infinite goodness and condescension will excuse your lordship’s most obsequious, devoted, and very humble servant, Timothy Snacks, who has come into the presence of your lordship, for the purpose of informing your lordship
Rob. Lordship! he, he, he! Well! I never knew I had a hump before. Why, Master Snacks, you grow funny in your
Snacks. No, my lord, I know my duty better; I should never think of being funny with a lord.
Rob. What lord? Oh you mean the lord Harry, I suppose. No, no, must not be too funny with him, or he'll be after playing the very deuce with you.
Snacks. I say I should never think of jesting with a person of your lordship’s dignified character.
Rob. Dig-dig--what! Why, now I look at you, I see how it is; you are mad. I wonder what quarter the moon's in. Dickens ! how your eyes do roll! I never saw you so before. How came they to let you out alone ?
Snacks. Your lordship is most graciously pleased to be facetious. Rob. Why, what gammon are you at?
Don't come near me, for you have been bit by a mad dog ; I'm sure you have.
Snacks. If your lordship will be so kind as to read this letter, it would convince your lordship. Will your lordship condescend ?
Rob. Why, I would condescend, but for a few reasons, and one of 'em is, that I can't read.