TRAITS

OF

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

I.

MY FIRST AND LAST SPEECH IN THE GENERAL

COURT.

IF I live a thousand years, I shall never forget the day I was chosen representative. Isaac Longlegs ran himself out of a year's growth to bring me the news; for I staid away from town meeting out of dignity, as the way is, being a candidate. At first I could not believe it; though when I spied Isaac coming round Slouch's corner, with his coattails flapping in the wind, and pulling straight ahead for our house, I felt certain that something was the matter, and my heart began to bump,

VOL. I.

B

bump so, under my jacket, didn't knock a button off.

bold face, and when Isaac

that it was a wonder it However, I put on a

came bolting into the

house, I pretended not to be thinking about it. "Lieutenant Turniptop!" says Isaac, "huh, huh, you've got the election!"

"Got what?" says I, pretending to be surprised, in a coolish sort of a way.

"Got the election," says he, "all hollow. You've got a majority of thirteen—a clear majority-clean, smack smooth, and no two words about it !"

"Pooh!" says I, trying to keep cool; though at the same time I felt all over—I can't tell how— my skin didn't seem to fit me. "Pooh !" says I again; but the idea of going into public life, and being called Squire Turniptop, was almost too much for me. I seemed to feel as if I was standing on the tip top of the north pole, with my head above the clouds, the sun on one side, and the moon on the other. "Got the election ?" says I; "a hem! hem! hem!" And so I tried to put on a proper dignity; but it was hard work. "Got a majority?" says I, once more.

"As sure as a gun," says Isaac. "I heard it Squire Dobbs read it off to

with my own ears.

the whole meeting. "Tobias Turniptop has fiftynine, and-is-chosen !"

I thought I should have choked! six millions of glorious ideas seemed to be swelling up all at one time within me. I had just been reading Doctor Growler's sermon on the end of the world; but now I thought the world was only beginning.

"You're representative to the Gineral Court," said Isaac, striking his forefinger into the palm of his left hand, with as much emphasis as if a new world had been created.

I felt more magnanimous than ever.

"I shan't accept," says I. (The Lord pardon me for lying).

"Shan't accept!" screamed out Isaac in the greatest amazement, his great goggle eyes starting out of his head. "Shall I go back and tell them So ?"

"I mean I'll take it into consideration," said I, trying to look as important as I could. "It's an office of great responsibility, Isaac," I said; "but I'll think of it, and after mature deliberation, if my constituents insist upon my going-Isaac, what'll you take to drink ?"

I could not shut my eyes to sleep all that night; and did nothing but think of the General Court,

and how I should look in the great hall of the State House, marching up to my seat to take possession. I determined right off to have a bran new blue coat with brass buttons; but on second thoughts, I remembered hearing Colonel Crabtree say that the Members wore their wrappers. So I concluded that my pepper and salt coat, with the blue satinet pantaloons, would do very well. I decided though, to have my drab hat new ironed, and countermanded the orders for the cow-hide boots, because kip skin would be more genteel. In addition to this, because public men should be liberal, and make a more respectable appearance than common folks, I didn't hesitate long in making up my mind about having a watch-chain, and an imitation breast-pin. "The check handkerchief," thinks I to myself, "is as good as new; and my pigtail queue will look splendidly if the old ribbon is a little scoured!"

It can't be described how much the affairs of the nation occupied my attention all the next day, and three weeks afterwards. Ensign Shute came to me about the Byfield pigs, but I couldn't talk of anything but my legislative responsibilities.

"The critters beat all natur for squealing," says he, "but they cut capitally to pork."