XIII.

THE TWO FAT SALS.*

If every man were to relate the little romances of love in which he becomes involved, at some time or other of his life, novelists or farce-writers would be supplied with plots and incidents enough to supply publishers and managers with a continual run of novelties for all times.

In the story of the "Two Fat Sals" is recorded the experience of one man only, but it affords a very useful lesson on the evils of a mind divided in the matter of love, and another illustrious example of the truth of the aphorism, that "the course of true love never did run smooth."

"There was two Sals livin' in our town-Sal

By G. H. Hill.

Stebbins and Sal Babit; real corn-fed gals, I swow. Sal Stebbins would lift a barrel of cyder out of the eend of a cart as quick as any other feller, and drink it tew. Sal Babit, she was so fat, she'd roll one way jest as easy as t'other, and if anything, a little easier. Well, there was a corn-husking, and I went along with Sal Stebbins: there was all the gals and boys settin' reound, and I got sot down so near Sal Babit, that I'll be darned if I didn't kiss her afore I know'd what I was abeout. Sal Stebbins, she blushed the blood rushed right up into her hair: she was the best red critter I ever did see. I

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thought it was all up with me, and sure enough it was, for when I asked her if she would go hum with me, she said:

"No; you needn't trouble yourself nothin' 'tall 'bout it.'

Well, if you're mind to get spunky, I guess I can git a gal that will let me see her hum. Sal Babit, shall I go hum with you?'

"Well,' says she, 'I don't mind if you dew.' "Arter that, Sal Stebbins married a feller in our town, by the name of Post,-blind in one eye, and deaf in one ear,-jest to spite me, nothin' else: so I thought if she was a mind to take a feller that could'nt see or hear any tew well, I'd better let her

slide: so I went away from hum, and was gone about three-four-five years ?—yes, jest about five years, 'cause I know when I got back she had four little Posts. I went to see how she got along. She asked me to come in and set down; so I tuck a cheer and squatted; then she tuck another cheer and squatted; and we both squatted there together. Her young ones was all runnin' reound on the floor: she pinted to them, and said, in a sort of bragging way,

"You see them, don't you?'

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'Yes,' says I, squintin' up one eye, 'I see, they're all jest like their daddy, blind in one eye.'

"She was bilin' dumplings at the time, and as soon as she see me shut up one eye, she out with a hot dumplin', and let me have it in t'other, which made me shut it up a darn'd sight quicker than I ever did afore, and I haint been in love since that time."

XIV.

WAR'S YURE HOSS?

SOME years since, when the State of Missouri was considered "Far West," there lived on the bank of the river of the same name of the State, a substantial farmer, who, by years of toil, had accumulated a tolerable pretty pile of castings; owing, as he said, principally to the fact that he didn't raise much taters and unyuns, but rite smart of corn. This farmer, hearing that good land was much cheaper farther south, concluded to move there. Accordingly, he provided his eldest son with a good horse, and a sufficiency of the needful to defray his travelling and contingent expenses, and instructed him to purchase two hundred acres

of good land, at the lowest possible price, and return immediately home. The next day Jeems started for Arkansas, and after an absence of some six weeks, returned home.

"Well, Jeems," said the old man, "how'd you find land in Arkensaw?"

"Tolerable cheap, dad."

"You didn't buy mor'n two hundred acres, did yu, Jeems ?"

"No, dad, not over tu hundred, I reckon." "How much money hev yu got left?"

"Nary red, dad; cleaned rite out!"

'Why, I had no idee travellin' was so 'spensive in them parts, Jeems."

"Wal, just you try it wonst, an' you'll find out, I reckon."

"Wal, never mind that, let's hear 'bout the land, an' but war's yure hoss?"

"Why, yu see, dad, I was a goin' along one day-"

"But war's yure hoss?""

"Yu hole on, dad, an' I'll tell yu all 'bout it. Yu see, I was agoin' along one day, an' I met a feller as said he was goin' my way tu-"

"But war's yure hoss ?"

"Dod darn mi hide, ef yu don't shut up, dad,

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