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desire, and I believe he heard, and will give it me. I asked to live to his glory upon earth, and to die bearing my testimony to the truth of his gospel, recommending him to others, and praising his name with my latest breath
Thursday, November 8.- This being the fast-day before the sacrament, I got up early, and confessed my sins unto God, beseeching him to blot them out for Christ's sake. After this I went to church, hoping to get my pardon sealed there. The sermons were excellent, and my judgment approved of them; but the word did not affect
heart. I was left to wrestle with sin and corruption. After sermon, I went to see Lady M- She asked me to pray with her-I consented, and felt very much ashamed of appearing so weak and contemptible as I must have done in her eyes, forgetting that God only is to be feared and had in reverence by those that draw nigh unto him. When I came home, I got liberty to pour out my soul in secret to God, and saw that all my trouble through the past day had been the answer of prayer ; for I had asked of him in the morning to humble me in my own eyes, to show me the corruption of my heart, and to enable me to mourn for it. And it has indeed been a day of humiliation to me; I never appeared more vile in my own eyes, or was more desirous of converting grace.
Saturday, November 10.-I prayed much this morning, for a blessing at church. Mr Spiers's text was Isaiah xxxiii. 17. “ Thine eyes shall see the King in his beauty: they shall behold the land that is very far off.”—I believed the word, and rejoiced in the hope that mine eyes should see the King in his beauty; and
I was much comforted and confirmed in the
expectation of receiving a blessing to-morrow. Mr S. bade us expect great things: I did so; and have spent the evening and part of the night in prayer for a blessing on the ordinance to-morrow.
- gave of those
Sunday, November 11.- I waked early this morning, and spent some time in
Went out to church; but was no sooner there than my soul was seized with stupor, and my body so uneasy that I could not attend to the sermon. I felt unfit to go to the table of the Lord; and though my conscience could give a good answer to all the marks Mr Pwho were invited to partake of the ordinance, yet unbelief strove to keep me away. I waited long to hear if any minister would speak to my case, and give me encouragement to come. At length Mr Spiers called upon the weary and heavy laden to come to Christ, who waited to be gracious. On hearing which, I got up, thinking I was called ; but could not get forward to that table on account of the crowd. Meanwhile, a minister I did not know stood up to exhort, and described my case so exactly, that every word seemed spoken to me. My heart was then overwhelmed,-I could hardly contain myself. I went forward to the table in faith ; and when he said, “ I now deliver you the seal of the covenant,” my heart replied, Lord, I receive it, and do believe I am now in thy covenant. Now, Lord, remember thy covenant, and suffer me never more to depart from thee.
Saturday, November 24.-I found much liberty in prayer this morning ; my hopes are revived. I have been enabled to speak faithfully, and to confess Christ to a man of learning who came this day to see me. In the evening I heard a good sermon, on the almost Christian. My conscience bore me witness to many marks given of the real Christian, and I came home rejoicing in hope of the favour of God.
Sunday, November 25.--I found much comfort this morning in reading and praying over the 31st and 32d Psalms ;-found liberty of access to God in prayer. I heard Mr Walker this morning, and Mr Erskine in the afternoon, bear their testimony against the horrid and blasphemous farce that was acted last night in this place. O that the impression these solemn discourses have made on my heart this day, may never be effaced ! May I stand forth boldly, as a witness for a despised and crucified Saviour, in the face of men and devils ! I have repeatedly and solemnly taken the Lord to be my God-O that I may no longer be ashamed to confess him before men, but bear my testimony in all things to his truth and faithfulness, whatever may be the consequence. Come, Lord, seal me thine for ever!
came to see me.
Saturday, December 1.- I found comfort this morning in hearing the experiences of a Christian, who
I find my case is not singular ; others feel the same load of sin that I do. I attempted today to visit a poor person who was sick, but was denied admittance; this was a disappointment to me, as it has been much upon my mind lately, to visit the sick as a Christian duty. What cause have I to blush when I think how little I have done to-day for God! I cannot doubt of his love, yet I do not feel its constraining power, else I should redeem more time for his service.
Sunday, December 9.-Last week I have been much engaged in company with the people of God. I find their conversation very pleasing to me, but very dangerous; for instead of being humbled by seeing how far short I come of the least of the saints, I am led into self-seeking; and while I should be learning wisdom from them, I am trying to give them a good opinion of me. Alas! did they see my heart, as God sees it, they would rather fly than seek my company.
Monday, December 10.— I went this morning to visit some people of fashion, and was enabled to speak to them of the things of God. This I believe to be the answer of prayer. Afterwards, I visited my school, and found the poor children singing a hymn. My heart was filled with joy and gratitude to the Lord for having made me the instrument of bringing these poor souls to sing his praise. After dinner, I went to visit a near relation, and soon fell into a worldly spirit, and said not a serious word ;-came home with guilt upon my conscience. I find I want that deep seriousness which can alone preserve me from the contagion of worldly company.
Tuesday, December 11.-This morning I received a visit from two young ladies, to whom I was enabled to speak freely against the fashionable follies, and pressed upon them to examine their own hearts, to see if they experienced the influence of the gospel, or had any saving knowledge of the truths of God. After they were gone, I felt deeply ashamed before God for the poor manner in which I had spoken of him, and feared having talked of things I did not experience myself. I got a clear view of the evil of sin, and never felt it so deeply, nor such a burden before.
I wrestled long with God in prayer, and got power from him to keep my heart and tongue through the day. My fears of hypocrisy were also removed, and I believed that this was indeed the Spirit of God convincing me of sin, and carrying on his work upon my soul, giving me a sight of my backslidings and shortcomings. My soul longed to employ this whole evening in prayer, and I got it partly accomplished. I find the spirit is willing, but the flesh weak.
Wednesday, December 12.-I spent most part of this morning, till twelve o'clock, in prayer, and found my soul longing and thirsting after the experimental knowledge of Christ. Afterwards I had some edifying discourse with Dr Erskine, which was interrupted by visitors. I was enabled to continue to speak before them of the things of God, and we were all refreshed, and I hope profited. When they were gone, I found it needful to ask the Lord to pardon the self-seeking and spiritual pride, which I discovered in my own heart. I was then led out to praise the Lord for his goodness, and to pray that he would impart grace to all men, that every thing that he had made might praise him for ever.
Dr Erskine says, that a general acquaintance, even with good people, is a loss to a Christian,—it takes up much of that time which ought to be employed in communion with God, and bestows it on the creature. This is certainly true; I therefore resolve, through grace, to give up all needless and useless visits, and redeem more time for private devotion. In this way my faith will be strengthened, and then I shall not be so easily hurt when I go out among others. I find I have not yet attained an appropriating faith in Christ as my Saviour ;-I see my need of him—my heart is like to break at times for longing for him I think I