emusement after their ard work, they arsks to be aloud to take over the control of All the London Theaters!

I had a chat the other day with one of the LORD MARE'S Footmen, as I allers likes to go to the werry hiest orthorities, and he finished by saying, most emfatically,-"Mr. ROBERT, I arsks you this simple quesshun-If it takes about two hunderd and thirty gents to keep the grand old Citty in the bootiful condishun as it allus is, and to keep us all in the helthy condishun as we allus is, and with the remarkabel fine happytites as we allus has, its size being ony one square mile, and our number ony about fifty thowsand sleepers, and about ten times as many, as cums ewery day to hearn their living, how is it possibel for a much smaller number of Gents, with werry littel hexperiens, to do the same with a plaice about a hunderd and twenty times as big, and with about five millions of peepel in it? And you may trust what I says, for I had it from our Chapling."

"Why," I says, boldly, "I says at once as I don't beleeve as it's posserbel for 'em to do a quorter of it." "Rite you are, Mr. ROBERT!" says he.

And so we parted.

ROBERT.

AT ANCIENT DRURY. DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS has given us something gorgeous_this year in "The Hall of a Million Mirrors," the tenth Scene of his Pantomime entitled Little Bo-Peep, Little Red Riding Hood, and Hop o' My Thumb, who are three very small people, small by degrees and beautifully less". to make so big a Show. In the Hall of Mirrors appear all the well-known representatives of ancient Nursery Rhymes, and all the heroes and heroines of the universally familiar Fairy Stories. Down the Palace stairs they come, group after group, until the Stage, even of Old Drury, can hold no more, and there is scarcely room for them all to move, much less to indulge in any "kicking up ahind and afore," as was the wont of the Ancient JOSEPH, whose fame is hymned in Nigger Minstrelsy. A most brilliant scene, never to be forgotten! - that is, until next Pantomime Season, when Sir DRURIOLANUS will, in all probability, show us something equally magnificent, and as perfect in design and colour.

66

Scenes"-(what are all the preceding ones? Are CAMPBELL, LENO, WILLIAMS, and "LITTLE TICH," all tragedians ?)-gave us Great PAYNE-yclept HARRY PAYNE, the good old Conservative "JOEY." If the possibilities, " per variation et mutation" of gorgeous modern Pantomime, are exhausted-" which," as EUCLID observes, is impossible"-except we may "add a rider" (as the Clown in the Circle might observe) that Pantomime is, in itself, a reductio ad absurdum-then, perchance, Sir DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS may give us next Christmas a Shorter Opening, say ten Scenes, to be followed by six Harlequinade Scenes, treating, by way of "Review," all the leading topics of Ninety-Three. Nous verrons-at least, such is our hope. And so a Prosperous New Year to Sir DRURIOLANUS, and all his works.

NOVEL, BUT NOT NEW.

(A Story of Romance in Town and Country.) SCENE I.-Publisher's Sanctum. Amateur Author discovered in consultation with Enterprising Publisher. Enterprising Publisher. Yes, my dear Sir, I think, if you pay all the expenses, we can see our way to giving An Oppressed Ophelia a chance. Amateur Author. You would not take a small risk?

Ent. Publisher. Why no, my dear Sir. I do not see how An Oppressed Ophelia can be made a safe investment without your entire assistance. Possibly we may treat about your next novel, which I understand you to say is called An English Hamlet, on other terms. In the meanwhile, let us hope that An Oppressed Ophelia will be successful. [Exeunt Author and Publisher severally. SCENE II.-The Same. Three months have passed. Publisher and Author are discovered discussing the situation.

Author (gloomily). And so you say that An Oppressed Ophelia is a dead failure?

Publisher (more cheerfully). Yes, my dear Sir, but do not be distressed. Thanks to my foresight, and your acquiescence in a business-like arrangement, my firm has lost nothing by the transaction.

Author (dryly). That I can readily understand! Well, I suppose you have plenty of copies you can give back to me?

Publisher. Well, scarcely. You see the Londoners did not take up your book very warmly; but we have made an arrangement to dispose of the rest of the issue in the country at a considerable reduction.

Author. And An English Hamlet? Publisher. We shall be glad to produce on the same terms! [Exeunt Author and Publisher severally. SCENE III.-Interior of the Circulating Library at Slocum-Pogis-onthe-Stodge. Author and Female Librarian discovered. Author. Well, if you haven't got the popular novels I have already mentioned, I will have a book by RIDER HAGGARD, STEVENSON, MEREDITH, or RUDYARD KIPLING.

Librarian. All out, Sir. Won't you have something else?

Author. Well, an amusing volume of travels or recollections. Can you recommend one ?!

There is such a galaxy of talent, specially of Music-hall talent, with the two MARIES, LOFTUS and LLOYD, the CAMPBELL of that ilk, comical DAN LENO (who looks so Librarian. We did have comically Thin O), and several books of that kind the amusing Brothers GRIFFITHS, but without the donkey, and with in the Season, Sir, but just no quadruped to equal him, though they do make beasts of themselves now our stock is a little low. by appearing as wolves, who will not be kept from the door of Author (nettled). Why, I Granny Green, Mr. JOHN D'AUBAN, utterly unrecognisable. Besides don't believe you have a these is a Variety Show of other Stars, including ever-graceful book in the shop. You seem EMMA D'AUBAN, and Miss MABEL LOVE, of the "skirts-so move- to be out of everything! ment," both rightly reckoned in the programme as among the Librarian. Oh, yes, we Immortals." Only one fault can be found with the Pantomime, have, Sir. Here, for inand that is, that there are too many brilliant Stars in it. They can't stance, is one of this year's novels. It's called An Oppressed all of them, each and severally, get an opportunity of showing how Ophelia. he or she can shine in his or her own particular bright way; and Author (pleased). Oh, you have got that, have you? so it happens that the earliest scenes, which are less crowded, are Librarian. Got it! Why, the whole place is full of them! To the best for fun, though in the latter, and specially in the one just tell you the truth, Sir, it came down by mistake. We ordered preceding the transformation, there is some capital comic business, books by BLACK, MEREDITH, STEVENSON, and the rest of them, and and "LITTLE TICH" is at his best in his burlesque of the Skirt they sent us back, by accident, I suppose, a dozen copies of An Dance. We wonder that this clever diminutive person has never Oppressed Ophelia. If you would like it, Sir, I will look you out a appeared as "the Claimant par excellence." But perhaps his name copy with some of the leaves cut. is not "TICH" at all, and so, on his first appearance on the world's stage, he was not a "Tich-born."

66

The Extravaganza portion of the Pantomime-formerly styled
Opening"-gave us great pleasure, and the two"Comic

the "

Author (shortly). No, thankee, I've read it! [Exit. Librarian. Dear me, what an odd gentleman! He's the first as has read An Oppressed Ophelia, although I have had it in the shop these six months! [Scene closes in upon her astonishment.

Aunt Molly (on hospitable thoughts intent). "YOU SHALL HAVE THIS BEDROOM, MIKETHE SAME THAT YOU HAD LAST CHRISTMAS !"

Mike. "OH, NOT THAT BEDROOM, AUNT MOLLY —IT'S CHOKE FULL OF DREAMS!'

THE FRENCH SERPENTINE DANCE;"

OR, PAS DE PANAMA.

THE Minuet's cold and modish grace,
Delirium of the Carmagnole,

Fair France has known. How will she pace
This frantic dance, and to what goal?

Beginning in triumphant sport,

She's tremulous now, with terror cold.

The whirl so dizzies, she breathes short;
The serpent spirals seem to fold

Laocöon-like about her limbs.

Tarantula-bitten victims so

But fever's hectic, herald sure

Of dread corruption, if unstayed.
Dance on the footing insecure

Of the keen edge of War's red blade,
Rather than this mad dervish spin,

Drunk with that serpent's poison-breath;
The music is the devil's din,

The dance-the modern Dance of Death!

ON A NEW YEAR'S CARD.

["With kind regards and best wishes for 1893, from Mr. and Mrs. T. BROWN-SMITH and family."]

FROM TOM! It's thirty years ago

Or more, since, destined to talk Tamil, he Set sail for foreign lands. And so

To-day he boasts a wife and family.

Yes, Toм and I were chums at school,

The Matron-how we used to fool her!

We broke the very self-same rule,
We felt the very self-same ruler.

We gladly in those
classic groves

Accepted all the Fates
provided,

And even in our school-
boy loves

We did not care to be
divided.

Three years at Cambridge
-where we spent
Our money, "linked in
friendly tether,"

Three years that all too quickly went,

Then we went down, and went together.

Next year 'twas Tox who went abroad;
He vowed that he'd be married-never!
But I was then engaged to MAUDE,

To MAUDE, who swore to love me ever.

Perhaps she kept her plighted word-
But, if she did, she chose as funny
A way as I have ever heard-

She married Some One Else and Money.

Maybe she did not feel inclined

To risk the bread-and-cheese and kisses, Or else her calculating mind

Preferred "Her Ladyship" to "Mrs."

So I'm unmarried to this day,

And live without the great felicity
Which, as Toм used of old to say,
Can't fail to wait on domesticity.

That joy is his alone, not mine,
Misogynist he liked to call himself,
Whilst I thought every girl divine-

Yet Tox has been the first to fall himself.

SHOULD there be a hard frost, lady-skaters in Hyde Park will be able to give quite a new turn to the "Serpentine Dance."

LATEST FROM "THE GILBERT ISLANDS." Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN will probably stay in these islands while writing his new Opera. If successful, these islands will then be annexed CRINOLINE is gradually coming in again.

Whirl madly. Shrinks her head and swims; by Manager D'OYLY CARTE under the style and She re-enters to the air of "Steel so gently

This is not glory's ardent glow,

title of "The Gilbert and Sullivan Islands." | o'er Me steeling."