A PATHETIC LAMENT. (Respectfully addressed to one of the Promoters of the Anti-Advertisement League by a Repentant Subscriber.) 66 "SCOT-FREE." AN AIRY NOTHING.-According to a Radical paper man's tobacco pays 101d. in the shilling to taxation, while the rich man's cigar pays only d. in the shilling to taxation.' This may be very true, but is the question worth discussing? It is sure to end in smoke! [See next page. Sir Henry Hawkins (to Justice). "I CAN'T TOUCH THEM. IT'S TIME YOU DID!" HOW THEY ARE SERVED IN SERVIA.-Among some interesting items, a telegram informed us how "the Young King presided Miss Jeannie (to Elderly Spinster). "I'M GLAD MAUD IS GOING TO BE MARRIED TO SIR GUY. I'M SURE THEY'LL BE HAPPY, THEY'RE SO WELL MATCHED!" Elderly Spinster aforesaid (who has had her eye on Sir Guy for the last two years). "I DON'T AT ALL AGREE WITH YOU. SIR GUY WOULD HAVE DONE FAR BETTER TO HAVE CHOSEN ONE OF HIS OWN HEIGHT!" THE FUTURE HOPED BY HAWKINS. (A Cockney Carol by a cruelly-used Coster-Investor. With apologies to clever Albert Chevalier.) ["I desire to express, and I cannot do it too strongly, that there is no credit to be attached to the conduct of the directors in this particular case. It would be more satisfactory to me if directors had a proper sense of their responsibility. It is a cruel thing that people should be deluded out of their savings by high-sounding names. At the same time, there is no criminal law which will punish a director who scandalously neglects his duty, though he takes his money. I think the law might well be altered."-Mr. Justice Hawkins.] AIR.-"The Future Mrs. 'Awkins." I'm done, my little doner! I'm jest about a goner! My savings all U. P.! You always said I shouldn't; but resist big names I couldn't, No, they fairly nobbled me. Now Mister Justice 'AWKINS, 'onest 'ENERY HAWKINS, Some Directors' wool does comb. So 'elp me bob, I'm crazy. I must ha' bin a daisy! Won't it bust our 'umble 'ome! (Spoken or sung.) Won't it! O LIZER! Sweet LIZER! If I die in the Big 'Ouse, I'll only 'ave myself to blame. D'y'ear, LIZER? Dear LIZER! Fancy me bein' nicked by a 'igh-soundin' name! At their sly board-meetin's wot must be their greetin's! Oh, they knows wot they're about! The public tin they close up, at us turns their nose up- I likes their style, dear LIZER. Ain't it a surpriser ? Sure, I must be dreamin'! In my sleep start screamin'. There, don't cry, old gal! Let's kiss! (Spoken or sung.) Come now! O LIZER! Dear LIZER! If I lose yer luv by this I'll only 'ave myself to blame! D'y'ear, LIZER? Dear LIZER! 'Onest 'ENERY 'AWKINS sez it's a dashed shame! Hartful as a "bonnet," you depend upon it, Jest about the sweetest, neatest, and completest Wot sez 'ENERY 'AWKINS, 'onest 'ENERY 'AWKINS? P'raps it may be one day, but were it next Monday, Me and you 'twould not repay! (Spoken or sighed.) Would it? O LIZER! Sweet LIZER! Strikes me wot is called the Law is often fuss, and fraud, and fudge! But dear LIZER! D'y'ear, LIZER ? Mister Justice 'AWKINS is a fust-class Judge! QUERY AT SOME FASHIONABLE SEA-SIDE RESORT.-Do the unpleasant odours noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide being high? If so, is the tide sometimes higher than usual, as the-ahem!-odours certainly are? SHAKSPEARIAN QUESTION TO A COMPANY. (To be replied to in the negative.) What, are you HANSARD yet?" (Mer. of Venice, iv., 1.) SONG FOR AN EMPEROR AFTER A (FRIENDLY) VISIT TO CANOSSA."Be it ever so humbling, there's no place like Rome!" evidently strongly drawn to join in the fray. But it was plainly the SQUIRE's show, and its direction must be left to him. When there followed long succession of eminent men discussing Budget, Mr. G. felt that if he remained any longer he must yield to temptation. Accordingly, withdrew from scene. Returned again an hour later; still harping on the Budget; the SQUIRE had spoken twice, and there seemed nothing to be done but to work off whatever remaining speeches had been prepared in Opposition camp. DORINGTON dragged in case of farmer, and small landowner; conversation turned on Depression of Agriculture; the WOOLWICH INFANT presented himself to view of sympathetic House as specimen of what a man of ordinarily healthy habits might be brought to by necessity of paying Income-tax on the gross rental of house property. A procession of friends of the Agriculturist was closed by portly figure of CHAPLIN, another effective object-lesson suitable for illustration of lectures on Agricultural Depression. Mr. G., feeling there was no necessity for speech, had resolutely withstood the others. CHAPLIN at the table, proved irresistible. To him, CHAPLIN is embodiment of the heresy of Protection, Bi-metallism, and other emanations of the Evil One. When CHAPLIN sat down, PREMIER romped in, and, having delivered the inevitable speech, went off home, soothed, and satisfied. Business done. - Budget Scheme passed through Committee. Friday.-Almost forgot we still have House of Lords. Shall be reminded of their existence by-and-by. For the nonce, they are courteously quiescent, the world forgetting, by the world forgot. Just a little flare-up to-night. Ireland, of course; CAMPERDOWN wanting to know what about the Evicted Tenants Commission? Are the Government going to legislate upon it, or will they forbear? SELBORNE supernaturally solemn; dragged in JAMES THE SECOND as the nearest approach to any head of a Government quite so wicked as Mr. G. Lords much interested in this. Don't hear so much now of JAMES THE SECOND as we did when at school. The establishment of points of resemblance between Governments of his day and that presided over by Mr. G., a novelty in debate. Imparted to political controversy a freshness long lacking. Just after seven, debate adjourned. For all practical purposes, it might as well have been concluded. But House doesn't get many opportunities of debate; not disposed riotously to squander this chance one. Business done.-Commons had Morning Sitting; scrupulously devoted the last five minutes of it to public business. OPERATIC NOTE.-There's not much magic about The Magic Ring at the Prince of Wales's until the Second Act, in which the extravagantly comic "business" of Messrs. MONKHOUSE and KAYE, the burlesque acting of Miss SUSIE VAUGHAN, and the comic trio dance between the two low comedians and the sprightly soprano, Miss MARIE HALTON, are worth the whole of Act I. When is burlesque not burlesque? When it is Comic Opera. Burlesque was reported dead. Not a bit of it, only smothered; and it may come up fresh for a long run, or at all events, "fit" for a good spurt. EVEN the old-fashionedest Toriest of Tory Farmers are longing, hoping, and even praying, for the downfall of the Rain. If we don't have it soon, and it may have arrived ere this appears, Marrowfats, as articles de luxe, will be Peas at any price!" OH DEAR! OH DEAR! WHAT IS AN' WHAT A TARRIBLE DEPRESSIN' SOIGHT YE 'VE GONE AN' MADE OV YERSILF! UT NOW, IS UT A TABLEAU VEEVANT' YE'RE PLAYIN' AT, OR WHAT?" PANEFUL! IT was the Palace of the Board, The Board of London's Schooling, Where Members lately have enjoyed Some high artistic fooling. "Oh, why "-hear Mr. CoXHEAD plead, In tones of sheer amazement"Do hideous faces wrought in glass Stare down from every casement: Then up spake General MOBERLY, The Board's supreme apologist, And SOCRATES should be bowled out His pane to LYULPH STANLEY. "I think that JULIUS CESAR might Give place to General MOBERLY!" 66 [Further attendance dispensed with. O Boardmen, shall the little plan TO ZANTE.. (An Appeal. After E. A. Poe.) 'FAIR Isle, that from the fairest of all flowers Thy gentlest of all gentle names doth take!" How many memories of fierce seismic powers At sight of thee, as now thou art, awake! How many scenes of what departed bliss! How many thoughts of what entombed hopes! Did FALB foresee such ruinous wreck as this? No more sits Peace upon thy verdant slopes! Subscris Ah, that magical sweet sound Appeals to all, or should appeal. More! More! Suffering demands still more! Charity's ground Punch now must hold thy flower-enamelled shore, O Hyacinthine Isle! O purple Zante! "Isola d'oro! Fior di Levante!" |