SONGS OF SOCIETY. II.-A LETTER OF ADVICE. From Miss Belinda Bullion, at Monte Carlo, to Miss Angelina Veaudor, in Mayfair. (Being a Pendant to a celebrated Poem by Praed.) THEY tell me you've "landed" a lover (Don't pout at the slang, dear, 'tis chic), Before your first Season is over, Before I have left you a week. I learned the good news through my mother. If it's dear Lord FITZ-FRUMPINGTON's brother, Très chère, we know Fortune and Fashion I gave you "Bel Ami " as token That we were not victims of "glow; We vowed, dear, no matter at what age, Or Shepherds enchantingly crook'd. Too well, dear, we know modern men's tone, Of "briar" the pipes which they blow. Say, have you gone soft à la SHENSTONE? My own ANGELINA, say "No!" Remember the cynic romances We read in that Devonshire glen! 'Tis nice, with your head on his shoulder, But should poor Adonis grow bolder, Nor gold-less good looks make you glow; I read your last laughable letter, If he's not what your husband should be, My own ANGELINA, say "No!" If he's over polite in his wooing, If his heart is too plainly a-throb, MISTER JACKY'S VADE MECUM FOR THE EASTER HOLIDAYS. Question. What is the chief object you wish to attain during the Vacation? Answer. To have the best time possible under the most favourable conditions. Q. Is the comfort of your relations and friends to be taken into serious account in attaining this desirable end? 4. Certainly not; the details to which you refer are unworthy of a moment's consideration. Q. Have you any objection to upsetting all the household arrangements on your arrival? 4. Unquestionably no. If a morning performance commences at an hour early enough to require luncheon to be discussed at 12 30, why the déjeuner à la fourchette (as the French would say) must be partaken within half-an-hour of noon. In like manner, if an evening representation begins at seven, the dinner-hour must be put back to half-past five. Q. If these alterations cause any disturbance of your father's habits, how would you deal with the matter? A. I would not deal with the matter at all. I would leave all purely necessary explanations to my mother. Q. During the time of your vacation will you approve of any dinner-parties? A. I have a rooted objection to such entertainments when the guests are of my parents' selection. However, I have no objection to a few fellows, say, like SMITH Major, or BROWN Minor, dropping in to supper on a Sunday. If he seems getting paler or thinner, If he gives too much time to his Tennis, If he chatters of WHISTLER and Venice, 66 screws, If he shows a contempt for "the City," My own ANGELINA, say "No!" If he prates about Property's duties If he's down on Society Beauties, If he has not a stare that can freeze; If he does not abuse Foreign Powers, And vote all philosophy slow, If he's one of the time's "big Bow-wowers," My own ANGELINA, say "No!" He must walk like a Cit in his glory, He must be-yes, of course, dear-a (As partis that party are best) If he knows not the old Carlton's portal, have the benefit accruing from contact with my revivifying characteristics. Q. Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advances the fact that you have received greater advantages than he himself enjoyed-for instance, that you have been to Eton-what should you reply? A. Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and truth, it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that he had never been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see that." Q. If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smoke cigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano in the drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset all his documents in the study, what answer would you make? 4. That you were not responsible for the training which he had taken under his personal control. He must be satisfied with the broad result of your bringing-up. Q. If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent of your scholastic career on the matter, what would you do? A. Explain that your present position in the school, to which you supposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in the element of popularity, and that any further move in the direction of increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to your expulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggest that such a course might. by preventing your getting employment in the Church, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents' hands for life. Q. When the time has all but arrived for your return to school, what should you do? Q. Assuming that the day you mention is your parents' favourite time for peace and quiet, does such an invasion suggest any reflection? 4. Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or 4. No. If my parents have become slow during my enforced measles. You will then afford a sufficient reason for extending absence from home in the search of knowledge, it is time they should the length of your vacation indefinitely. Little Spinks. A TERRIBLE TURK. "AH! ONCE I WAS AS INNOCENT AS A LITTLE CHILD! WHAT I AM NOW, YOUR SEX HAS MADE ME!" ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday Night, March 27.-The Lowther Arcade not getting on so well as thought when projected. The Master Builder been diligently at work, but result disappointing. On Friday he got terribly snubbed by SPEAKER. Comes up to-day to make personal explanation. That a bait at which House usually jumps; always ready to be amused, or interested with scandal about Queen ELIZABETH and other persons. These things usually promised by personal explanation. To-day no flutter of excitement moved crowded House. JEMMY, approaching table with most judicial air, received with mocking laughter, and ironical cheers. Some difficulty in quite making out what he was at. Evidently something to do with SQUIRE of MALWOOD; but SQUIRE 80 inextricably mixed up with Supplementary Estimates, couldn't make out which was which. JAMES pounded along in most ponderous style; SQUIRE contemptuously replied; no one else inclined to join in conversation, and the Master Builder gloomily resumed his seat. "Never mind," I said, not liking to see an old friend cast down; "Rome wasn't built in a day, nor the Cave of Adullam excavated in a week. These things grow. You must have patience, and the Lowther Arcade will still flourish. Let me see, whom you have got? There's BARTLEY, HANBURY, and TOMMY BOWLES. LOWE, forming his Cave, hadn't so many to start with." 66 Yes," said the Master Builder, "that's all very well; but, fact is, you can't reckon upon these fellows as being, so to speak, colonnades in the Arcade. They are all on their own hook; fighting for their own hand; won't take the lead from me; must go foraging for themselves. HANBURY thinks he can boss a show better than most men. BARTLEY's obstreperous. TOMMY BOWLES would be all right if he were left to himself, free from the companionship of designing men. He is young, ingenuous, not wholly lost to a sense of regard for his pastors and masters, lack of which is the curse of modern Youth. I believe TOMMY respects me, and, NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE. "THE Duke of DEVONSHIRE has arranged to return from Monte Carlo on Saturday," so said the Morning Post, in order to address a political meeting at Glasgow on April 14th." His Grace having torn himself away from delightful Monte Carlo, will then attempt to turn the tables on the Liberales Gladstonienses. But fancy renouncing sunny Mount Charles-"O Charley Mount is a pleasant place," as sang Miles na Coppaleen, who was, by the way, miles away from Monte Carlo-with its azure sky, its deep blue sea, its verdant greencloth table land, its delightful promenades à pied, and its frisky gambols à la roulette, where the sunset and sunrise are rouge, and noir is only "on the cards." Fancy renouncing these gay southern delights to live a laborious day in dry, hard, northern Glasgow! 64 Ŏ swallow, swallow, flying flying South," how would you like to be checked in your holiday-making airy career in order to be brought back to the cold and cruel North ? Such a selfsacrifice as this is indeed memorable. only for the evil communications to which he is subject on the back bench, would work loyally with me in establishing the Arcade." There was unwonted moisture in the Master Builder's eye as he turned round, and regarded the Member for King's Lynn what time he softly whistled to himself the old Jacobite air, Tommy make Room for your Uncle." Business done. - Vote of Censure moved by Prince ARTHUR; Government majority runs up on division to 47; Ministerialists, fresh from meeting at Foreign Office. agree that, on whole, have spent not lift it out of the rut, nor GRANDOLPH either. a happy day. Debate spasmodically dull. Prince ARTHUR could shone with effulgent light through gloom of evening. Principal Only Mr. G. result of manoeuvre, beyond giving fillip to majority, is that a day will be filched from meagre holidays, and House must needs sit on Thursday. Tuesday.-Mr. G. looked in in time to say a few words in reply to Prince ARTHUR's inquiries as to business arrangements. Later he came back, and delivered excellent speech; brief, and direct to point. House been talking all morning round Vote on Account. MACFARLANE done Rule-of-three sum, to show how twelve hundred days are lost every week by necessity imposed upon Members of coming down two hours in advance to take their seats. Some disposition shown by practical Members to argue question whether there could be twelve hundred days in any week, even in Leap-Year. "I know I'm right," said MACFARLANE, and the sceptics, gazing respectfully at his flowing beard, withdrew from controversy. House divided on Motion by LEGH to reduce Foreign Office Vote. Ministerial majority run up at a jump to 225. Time by Westminster clock, 6'10 P.M.; in twenty minutes, sitting will be suspended; Vote must be through Committee to-day; TOMMY BOWLES (who hasn't made a speech for a quarter of an hour) on his feet; sheafs of manuscript in his hand; would certainly oblige to extent of twenty minutes; BARON DE WORMS also has a few remarks to offer; probable length of Channel Tunnel. Mr. G. interposes. "Mr. MELLOR," he said, addressing Chairman, "I claim to have the question now put." Ringing cheers went up from Ministerialists. TOMMY resumed his seat; gruefully glanced at notes. The Noble Baron saw in this manoeuvre fresh proof that Mr. G. had sold himself to Germany; having completed preparation for separation of the Empire on the side of the Irish Channel, would immediately after, by medium of WATKIN'S Tunnel, place what was left of the country at the mercy of a foreign foe. Meanwhile Closure moved; what's more, carried on division by swingeing majority of over a hundred. So Vote agreed to; Mr. G. gets off for short drive before dressing for dinner. Earned a night's rest, and a longer Easter holiday than he has allotted to himself and us. Older he gets, the younger he seems. His work to-day should make the eight-hours' man blush. At bay in Downing Street since twelve o'clock with two hostile deputations. Came from Ulster and the City, resolved to beard Home-Rule Lion in his den. Alone he met them; "A Grand Old Man, indeed!" said PRINCE ARTHUR, talking over these things to-night, when he should have been listening to TOMMY BOWLES, who having at the morning sitting had his speech on Vote on Account closured, delivered another at evening sitting on the question of the Depreciation of Silver as it affects domestic architecture in China and Peru. Business done.-Vote on Account through Committee. Thursday. CAINE going about House this afternoon, his slim figure bulging out at the pockets in mysteious fashion. "Brought your supper with you?" I asked, lightly touching one of the excrescences that felt like an imperial pint of ginger-beer (WHITE 1880). "You seem bursting with broiled bones. All no use. No more all-night sittings this side of Easter." "No, my boy, you're wrong." said CAINE. Fact is, I'm going off to the country, and these protuberances you observe about my person are phonograms. All labelled, you see," he said, taking out cylinders from several pockets. "Here are a few remarks on one down, the other come on; no inter- Portrait of a Member of Parliament examining the Signatures Registration; that's my Local-Veto val of rest; picked men from Ulster, to a Petition against the Local-Veto Bill, to see if they are genuine Selected Captains from the City, surged which suggests that they are obtained in 1 ublic Houses) or not. (Vide Report of the Proces dings in the Commons, March 28, Speech; and here is an entirely new view of the Home-Rule question. If around table at which he sat. Hardly you like to come over to my house at left him time to reply. Having politely conducted Ulster to door, Claphs m-close by, you know, busses every ten minutes-you shall enter the City Fathers, fresh and eager for fray. Told him over again have a night's thorough enjoyment. Leave you in the room by yourin varied phrase how he was bringing country to verge of rain; list- self with the phonograph. Pop in one of these cylinders; set the ened with perfect courtesy, as if they'd been discussing someone else phonograph whizzing; and you'll hear me on Local Veto. Take -say, his next-door neighbour, SQUIRE of MALWOOD and Junior Lord out cylinder, put in another, and you'll know more about Home of Downing Street. Up again when last in list of City speakers had Rule in five minutes than you ever dreamt. Can only let you have concluded. Almost persuaded JOHN LUBBOCK to be a Home-Ruler; them for to-night. To-morrow they go down to Yorkshire, and thro' then down to House, dealing with mass of correspondence littering Easter Recess I shall be delivering, at various places, six speeches his table in room behind SPEAKER'S chair; alert on sound of T. G. B-wl-s. "FOURTH PARTY." G. C. B-rtl-y. Right Hon. J-m-s L-wth-r. division-bell; comes in to move Closure; remembers that in long list of speeches never made this particular one before; looks up PALGRAVE'S Handbook; cons his lesson and declaims brief formula in deep rich voice that lends touch of eloquence to its unadorned, emorseless demand. All this, too, following on a day like yester lay, when two other deputations stormed Downing Street; drew rom him weighty reply; followed, after hasty dinner, by a speech in the House on the eternal Irish question, which GRANDOLPH rightly termed, "entrancing." Hany Juries R. W. H-nb-ry. every night, I myself comfortably making holiday in Wales." "Thank you," I said; "but, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go home and go to bed." In truth, a little depressed. Here's a nice prospect for the holidays! Bad enough to have Members working off at public meetings speeches that had been closured in Commons. But if every man is, during the recess, to multiply himself by phonography, the last state of this country will be worse than the first Business done.-Adjourned for Easter Holidays. Just escaped sitting over Good Friday. Back next Thursday. PERILOUS POSITION OF A GALLANT OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS, On a recent March, who (ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hired Charger) chooses the cooling waters of the Ford in preference to the Bridge. "HERE! HI! HELP, SOMEBODY! POLITICAL MEETINGS. A CROWDED, gas-lit, stuffy hall, Attacks the British Constitution, to be Iniquitous (cheers) innovations." I'll bear this heat and noise no more; A frantic shouter, greater duffer, Despite drink's cursed coalition. Dooms publicans (groans), as should be, On earth, as elsewhere, to perdition! "I move, the Shrimpington-on-Sea United Bands of Hope, with pleasure, Pronounce the Veto Bill to be A great (cheers), good (shouts), just (roars) measure." VOL CIV. HOLD ON I MEAN HALT! HE WON'T COME OUT, AND HE WANTS TO LIE DOWN, AND I BELIEVE HE'S GOING TO REAR!" Enough! O frantic fools who rave ADVICE TO A YOUNG PARTY SCRIBE. You may, an it please you, be dull, (For Britons deem dulness "respectable "); Stale flowers of speech you may cull, With meanings now scarcely detectable; You may wallow in saturnine spite, Be sombre as poet YOUNG's" Night," You may flounder in flatulent flummery; And dry as a Newspaper "Summary"; As chill as a volume of CHITTY; Plod on through the sand-wastes of Fact, Slow, somnolent, stupid, and stodgy; And the realms of the dumpishly dodgy. With tramp elephantine and slow, Tread on through word-swamps, dank and But no, most decidedly no, [darkling; You must not be sparkling! Be just as unjust as you like, A conscienceless, 'cute special-pleader; As spiteful as Squeers was to Smike, (You may often trace Squeers in a "leader."). Impute all the vileness you can, Poison truth with snake-venom of fable, Be fair-as is woman to man, And kindly-as CAIN was to ABEL. Suggest what is false in a sneer, Be Suppress what is true by confusing; Party zealots will pardon your spite, Is to misrepresent all he utters. Is the weapon for mangling and messing; Wield that, like a cudgel-armed rough Blent with ruthless bravo,-such are numeLie, slander, spout pitiful stuff, [rous! But-beware of the humorous! For if you should fall into fun, And then, though your style be like skilly, Your sense frothy Styx in full spate, And your maxims portentously silly; You will find party scope for your pen, Coin meanness and malice to money; But sour dulness must keep to his den, And never be funny. |