AT AN AFTERNOON ENTERTAINMENT. SCENE-Prince's Hall, Piccadilly. Among the Audience areA London Aunt, and her Eldest Daughter, with a Cousin from the Country, who is just a little difficult to amuse; a Seriousminded Lady from Brixton, with a more frivolous Friend; a pair of Fiancés; and an Unsophisticated Father, with an Up-to-date little Daughter. An exhibition of " Pure Sleightof-Hand" has just been given on the Stage. The Serious Lady. Clever? Yes, my dear, it is clever enough, if that's all; but I never can quite reconcile my conscience to encouraging a fellowcreature to make a living by deliberate deception! Her Friend. Oh, I don't see any harm in conjuring, myself. The S. L. I can't forget that Pharaoh had his Sorcerers and Magicians, and how they acted! Her Friend. Ah, I never saw them. The London Aunt (to her Niece). Enjoying it, SOPHY ? Such a treat for you, to see really good conjuring! Sophy. Yes, Aunt, thank you. But our new Curate did that trick with two. rabbits at the last Penny Readings we had! [A calico screen is brought forward, on which the Entertainer throws various shadows with his hands. The S. L. Is that a little house at the corner? Oh, he doesn't do that with his hands-then I see no merit in it. Who's that? (A small male shadow, cast by the performer's right hand, crosses the screen, and knocks timidly at the door, which is opened by the left hand, in the character of a little Lady. The couple embrace effusively, and retire inside.) Ah, that's the husband coming home! [Another male shadow enters, and knocks furiously, while the little Lady reconnoitres cautiously from the window above. Her Friend. I expect that must be the husband. The S. L. What? - and the wife behaving like that in his absence! If I thought that was the- (The first male shadow comes out, and fights the second, who retreats, worsted.) I never saw anything so scandalous. How you can call yourself consistent, and sit there and laugh at such things! Her Friend (apologetically). I can't help laugh Capital! It's amazingly clever, 'pon my word! Can't imagine. how they do these things-can you, VIVVIE? [To Up-to-Date Child. Miss Vivien. Oh, well, I've seen so much conjuring at parties, you know, Father, that I don't notice it particularly, but it's nice to see you so amused! The U. F. I'm young, you see, VIVVIE; but I hope you're not bored? Serpentine dancing, and more of the Music Hall about it. Miss V. No, I'm not bored-only I thought there'd be some The U. F. Music Hall! Why, what do you know about Music Halls, eh? Miss V (with calm superiority). Several of their songsif you call that anything. The U. F. I should be inclined to call it a good deal too much! Miss V. (compassionately). Would you? Poor dear Father! But you never were very modern, were you? [A Blind-folded Lady on the Stage has been reading and adding up figures on a black board, and now offers to tell the day of the week of any person's birth in the audience. "He blinks and smiles in feeble confusion." ing-and, after all, perhaps they're only rival lovers, or he's her father, or something. The S. L. And she inviting one to come into the house in that bold way-a nice example for young persons! Look there, he's come back with a flageolet, and she's actually poured a jug of water on his head out of the window! "Only a pair of hands," did you say? So it may be-but we all know who it is that "Finds some mischief still For idle hands to do "-and there we have an illustration of it, my dear! [She shakes herself down in her sealskins with virtuous disapproval. The Unsophisticated Father (who has been roaring with laughter). 66 Her Colleague. Will some gentleman kindly oblige me with the date of his birth? The Fiancée. Now, JACK, tell yours. I want you to. Jack (in an unnaturally gruff voice). Fourteenth of February, eighteen - sixtynine! The Blindfolded Lady (with the air of the Delphic Pythia). Yes-that fell upon a Monday. [Applause. Her Coll. Is that correct, Sir? Jack. Don't know. [He reddens, and tries to look unconscious. Her Coll. Now I will ask the Lady if she can mention some event of importance that took place on the same date. The Bl. L. Let me think. Yes. (Solemnly.) On the same date, in the year seventeen-hundred-and-thirtyseven, goloshes were first invented! [Loud applause. Miss V. (as the pair retire). Well, thank goodness, we've seen the last of that beastly black-board. I didn't come here to add up sums. What is it next? Oh, a "Farmyard Imitator." I expect that will be rather rot, Father, don't you? [Enter a Gentleman in evening dress, who gives realistic imitations of various live-stock. The Country Cousin. That's exactly the way our little Berkshire pig grunts, and "Sweetlips calls her calf just like that—and, oh, KATIE, I wonder if he could have heard our Dorkings clucking at home-I think he must have-he does it so exactly the same! Katie. Then you do think that's clever, SOPHY? know! Sophy. Oh, well-for an imitation, you [A" Sensational Cage Mystery" is introduced; a pretty child is shut up in a cage, which is opened a moment after, and found to contain a Negro, who capers out, grinning. The London Aunt. SOPHY, do you see that ?-there's a black man there now, instead! Sophy (without enthusiasm). Yes, Aunt, I see, thank you. 66 Sophy. I don't see why it need have been a Nigger! The S. L. (after a Humorous Musical Sketch," by a clever and charming young Lady). Like that, my dear?-a Young Woman giving a description of how she actually went on the Stage, and imitating men in that way! It was as much as I could do to sit still in my seat! Her Friend. I must say I thought it was very amusing. The S. L. Amusing? I daresay, But, to my mind, young girls have no business to be amusing, and take off other people. I've no opinion of such ways myself. I don't know what my dear Mother would have done if I'd ever been amusing-she would have broken her heart, I do believe! The Friend (to herself). She wouldn't have split her sides, that's very certain! [A Lady Physiognomist appears in cap and gown, and invites a subject to step upon the stage, and have his or her character revealed. Jack (to his Fiancée). No, I say-but look here, FLOSSIE, really I'd rather not-with all these people looking! Flossie. Then I shall think you've something to conceal, JACKyou wouldn't like me to feel that already, would you? [JACK, resignedly, mounts the platform, and occupies a chair, in which he blinks and smiles in feeble confusion, while the Professor studies his features dispassionately. The Lady Phys. The first thing to notice is the disposition of the ears. Now here we have a Gentleman whose ears stick out in a very remarkable manner. [Delight of Audience. Flossie to herself). They do-awfully! I never noticed it before. But it really rather suits him; at least[She meditates. The L. Ph. This denotes an original and inquiring mind; this gentleman takes nothing on trust-likes to see everything for himself; he observes a good deal more than he ever says anything about. His nose is wide at the tip, showing a trustful and confiding disposition; it has a bump in the centre, denoting a moderate amount of combativeness. The nostrils indicate a keen sense of humour. (Here JACK giggles bashfully.) There is a twist in the upper lip, which indicates well, I won't say that he would actually tell an untruth-but if he had the opportunity for doing so, he has the capacity for taking advantage of it. I think that is all I have to say about this Gentleman. Flossie (to JACK, after he has returned to her side). JACK, if you can't leave off having an original and inquiring mind, you must at least promise me one thing-it's very little to ask! Jack. You know I'd do any blessed thing in the world for you FLOSSIE,-what is it? Flossie. Only to wear an elastic round your ears at night, JACK! The Unsophisticated Father (at the conclusion of the exhibition, as the Missing Lady disappears with a bang, in full view of the Audience). There, VIVVIE; she's vanished clean away. What do you say to that, eh? Vivien (composedly). Well, I think we may as well vanish too Father. It's all over! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. SEEING that A Wild Wooing (published by F. V. WHITE & Co.) is by FLORENCE WARDEN, authoress of The House on the Marsh, the Baron anticipated a real treat. But he was somewhat disappointed. The novel is in one volume, which is an attraction, and that volume is of a portable size, which is another note in its favour; also it is not illustrated, which is an undisguised blessing. At Easter Time the Baron de B.-W. visits his friend The Peer of Brighton. The story is interesting up to a certain point, which, however, does not take you very far into the book, and, after this point, the murmurings behind walls, the moving and dragging of heavy bodies under the floors, the insecure ropeladders, the trap doors, cellars, underground passages, smugglers, murderers, victims, and all sorts of mixed mysteries, become tiresome. There is yet another fault, which is, that the story is not told in 80 convincing a style as to make the The S. L. (going out). I don't wish to judge others-far from it realer feel quite sure that the authoress is not "getting at him but, speaking for myself, ELIZA, I cannot feel this has been a profit-all the time and just trying to see what quantity of old meloable method of employing precious moments which can never be dramatic stuff he will patiently stand. recalled. Her Friend. Oh, it's quite early. You'll have plenty of time to get a cup of tea, and do some shopping before it's dark. The S. L. (severely). That was not precisely what I meant, ELIZA! [But it is precisely what she does. ADVERTISEMENT'S ADVERSARIES. ["A Society has been formed to deliver us from hideous advertisements." The Saturday Review.] O NEWLY-FORMED Society, we note with admiration The truly novel purpose which you seem to have at heart, And with no little eagerness await its consummation, When popular advertisements will shine as works of art. Then picturesque localities no longer will be crowded With puffs of panaceas for our universal ills, No longer will the atmosphere be permanently clouded By sky-signs built to promulgate a patent soap or pills. No more in train or omnibus will every inch of boarding B: covered with advertisements of variegated hue;. No more in every thoroughfare will each obtrusive hoarding Blaze, hideously chromatic, with its yellow, red, and blue. One thing, perhaps, you'll tell us,-you will pardon the suggestionWe doubt not your ability your purposes to win, But yet our curiosity would fain propound the question,How, excellent Society, and when, will you begin? "THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM IN THE SPRING" may now be seen in all their glory at the Crystal Palace Show. The excellent arrangements there made for their exhibition prove that they have been designed and carried out by a clever "Head"-Gardener. Henceforth FLORENCE WARDEN will do well to get away from the rusty bars, bolts, chains, trap-doors, and cellars, from ruined castles, as grim as that of Udolpho, "of which," as Sir WALTER said in his preface to Waverley, "the Eastern wing had long been uninhabited, and the keys either lost, or consigned to the care of some aged butler or housekeeper. whose trembling steps, &c., &c." Accidentally, turning from White" to "Black," the Baron took up the first volume of the excellent re-issue of the Waverley Novels by Messrs. ADAM AND CHARLES BLACK, called The Dryburgh Edition, and commenced reading the introductory chapter of Waverley, which, at that time, gave the death-thrust to the melodramatic horrors of romantic tales, whether evolved from the inner consciousness of English writers, or openly acknowledged as "taken from the German." In view of the sensational romance of the present day, towards which, when really good, the Baron owns to having a decided leaning -it is interesting to note how brave Sir WALTER defied the existing fashion in novels of his own time, spurned the sentimental "Mordaunts," the "Belvilles," and such like played-out names of ancient chivalry, laughed at the heroine "with a profusion of auburn hair and a harp," and, like the Magician of the North that he was, boldly gave to the world his historic novels, in which, where History doesn't suit the requirements of fiction, it is so much the worse for History. Are there very many of the present generation who have not read Sir WALTER SCOTT's novels? If there be iny-and there must be, or where would be the demand to occasion this new and admirably devised supply-let them at once put aside modern sensationalism, and commence WALTER SCOTT as a study. The Baron knows personally one man of mature years, who has read neither Waverley nor several others of the series, and him he envies, for, as the student in question has already set himself to the task, he has the greatest literary pleasure of his life yet to come. Type, size of book, excellent as a library edition; and the illustrations, so far as they have gone, are good, and not oo distracting. And so, after this unequivocal expression_of_his sentiments, he signs himself, THE BOLD BARON DE B.-W. ALWAYS BE KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS-THEIR LIVES ARE SHORT, AND SHOULD BE MADE HAPPY AND AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLEEVEN AT THE COST OF A LITTLE TEMPORARY DISCOMFORT TO YOURSELF. BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DOCTOR BLIMBER-GLADSTONE AND HIS "LIT-TLE FRIENDS." (Dombeyish Fragments, with a smack of "The Mikado.") WHENEVER a young gentleman was taken in hand by Dr. BLIMBERGLADSTONE, he might consider himself sure of a pretty tight squeeze. The Doctor only undertook the charge of a limited number of young gentlemen at a time, but he had always ready a supply of " cram for a hundred, on the lowest estimate; and it was at once the business and delight of his life to gorge "his young friends," few or many, to their utmost capacity, and sometimes beyond it. In fact, Dr. GLADSTONE'S establishment was a great Hot-house, in which there was a forcing apparatus incessantly at work. All the boys blew before their time-or so said the Doctor's rivals and foes. Mental Green Peas were produced in February, and intellectual Scarlet-Runners in March. Mathematical Great Gooseberries were common at untimely seasons, other than the appropriate Silly one. This was all very pleasant and ingenious, but the system of forcing was attended with its usual disadvantage. There was sometimes not the right taste about the premature productions, and they didn't always keep well. kites and crows cawing and screaming in the intervals of their clamorous scufflings. Holidays? Oh dear yes! If there was one thing Doctor GLADSTONE'S young friends" did care for, it was Holidays! The Doctor himself seemed as though he could-and were it possiblewould do without them. But the Doctor's "lit-tle friends," however docile, could never be brought to see that. They did not usually commence their Spring "term" until February. And they were ripe, even rampant, for a long "Recess" at Easter. When the Doctor, using his well-beloved formula, said, "Gentlemen, we will resume our studies upon they hung upon his words, and, if the conclusion of his formula showed any disposition to cut the Holidays short, they howled loudly in chorus, like hungry wolves disappointed of their quarry. It was a sight to see Doctor GLADSTONE'S little friends returning to The Doctor's was a mighty fine House, fronting the river. Not Five little boys "back to School!.!" Groans. Snivels. [Howls. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-APRIL 8, 1893. BACK TO SCHOOL; OR, DR. GLADSTONE AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS. |