A DELICATE QUESTION.

[In the pages of the Author Mr. BESANT suggests, that "the Society of Authors should undertake the examination of journalists."]

O ZEALOUS Mr. BESANT, we have heard with consternation
Of this, the latest project of your ever-busy band;
Each journalist, apparently, must pass examination.
Lest any deal with matters which they do not understand.
You're horrified to notice, at performances dramatic,

A row of so-called critics, knowing nothing of the play;
You mean to make essential an acquaintance with the Attic,
In all allowed to comment on the drama of to-day.
With ample stock of history, and other knowledge, clearly,
The man who writes on politics must show himself supplied,
The taste of all reviewers will be criticised severely,

The Sporting Sage must qualify in papers on Ruff's Guide.
No doubt your plan is laudable, but then we find it printed
That novelists to manage all the scheme will be allowed,
And since they love reviewers not, it may, perhaps, be hinted,
That every man alive of us is certain to be ploughed!
Moreover, on reflection, quite excusably one fancies

That, if so great advantage in the system you discern, Its use should be extended to the weavers of romances, And you and other novelists should suffer in your turn! And so, if we may venture on a practical suggestion, Assuming that your postulate's indubitably true, And all should be examined there must yet remain the question, Custodes quis custodiet ?-For who'll examine you?

WINES OR MINES ?-Mrs. R. has on several occasions heard gentlemen talking of "passing the Rubicon," and she wants to know whether this is a Bill in Parliament about the Ruby Mines, or whether it is a modern expression for what was many years ago, as she was informed by her grandfather, a slang after-dinner phrase"Pass the Ruby," i.e., the wine?

HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE RECESS.

The Pr-m-r. To rest and sample (under the personal supervision of Mrs. G.) Home Rule.

The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry. To forget the speeches he had prepared for Loyal Ulster.

Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt. To practise Local Option in the New Forest. Lord R-s-b-ry. To make up his mind about Uganda.

Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll. To follow where he once led.

Mr. Arth-r B-lf-r. To lead where he once followed.

The Duke of D-v-nsh-re. To acquire a taste for "another place."
Sir A-g-st-s Dr-l-n-s. To grapple with the Opera difficulty.
Mr. H-nry Irv-ng. To run along with Becket.

Miss Ell-n T-rry. To continue the same movement.
Mr. J. L. T-le. To prepare to take Walker-London to "Castle,
Windsor."

LEGAL QUERY ANSWERED SATISFACTORILY.-In an Article on the Lecture on Cross-examination by Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q C., a D. T. Leader reminded its readers of the scene in The Village Lawyer, where Defendant is instructed by his Counsel to answer every question by simply saying, in an imbecile manner, "Ba-a-a!" Subsequently, on aforesaid Counsel asking for his fee, his client replied, 'Ba-a-a!" What," asks the D. T., "would Mr. FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., do with such a witness in cross-examination ? Why, 'tis evident that such a case would not arise, as professional etiquette would prevent one Barrister from taking a fee from a brother Barrister, that is as long as the latter stuck to the Ba-a-a!

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TO MOLLY-AN APRIL FOOL.

By a Bachelor-in-Lore (with Himself.)

You never, MOLLY, plucked the chances
Last Leap Year brought of wedded rapture,
(Since Flattery wins, where Beauty's glances
Have failed to perpetrate a capture)?

You never wrote to crave my fortune
That February!. Bashful, may be,
Or over-fearful to importune

A parti so renowned, you gaby!
Imprudent damsel, to let slip

So much insouciance and money!
I bear no malice now, and dip
This goosequill not in gall, but
honey.

I supplicate thee to be mine,
Bewitching Fair, thy lode-star
mocking :

To sweetest vengeance I incline.
(Great Scott! the sacrifice is
shocking!)

With you to share a gem unique,

My best possession, foolish MOLLY, This is the penalty I seek, [Folly

Dear fool of Spring, dear spring of Yet, ere I give myself away.

And abdicate on foolscap flimsy, Let me implore you, mark the dayTime-honoured feast of prank and whimsy.

Of my pet self, I offer half

To gain it myriads have endeavoured.

So take it, take my photograph Inclosed, and most adroitly severed.

Never three-five-nine-six have I addressed,
The number registered for Mrs. JONES,
Nor for six-eight-two-one the button pressed
To woo Miss BROWN in telephonic tones;
So grant, I pray, my moderate request,
Nor keep me waiting thus with aching
bones,

My anxious ear pressed to the tube with care,
While vainly I re-echo, "Are you there?
The suitor in the happier days of old,
When he would woo his lady-love divine,
Beneath her window his affection told

In skilful verse and neatly-balanced line; And even if he sometimes caught a cold,

His was a less prosaic way than mine; Then they'd embrace-no doubt it was not proper,

But I can only kiss a plate of copper!
Oh come, my love, and speak to me again,
Say that you live for my unworthy sake,
And kindly make each syllable quite plain,
To guard against all subsequent mistake;
And soon may fortune re-unite us twain,

Communication never more to break!
Take up your tube in answer to my prayer;
Once more I speak my greeting-Are you
there?

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GEE HO, GOSCHEN!

Jokim (singing his Agricultooral-looralist ly).
"O FLAXEN-HEADED Ploughman,
A whistling o'er the lee,

Oh, do not you know how, man,
I've ever loved thee!

EASTER RECULATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS. 1. Volunteers shall be expected to be up by the dawn in the morning, be the weather be marched for scores of miles all day long, rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will and, on their arrival at their destination. shall consider themselves lucky if they find the most primitive accommodation.

their officers, the Volunteer rank and file 2. Although they may be accompanied by will clearly understand that they are manoeuvring purely for the pleasure, if not improvement, of a few warriors connected

with the Household troops.

3. They shall undertake the necessary duties at their own expense, and every detail supplied by the War Office shall form the matter of an angry altercation.

4. The convenience of Volunteers shall be

ignored, so that the comforts of the Regular officers attached to the Citizen Force, may be secured at their expense.

5. Volunteer officers will be prepared to accept snubs and condescension with their customary humility, and will not presume to raise their voices in the presence of their superior (in quality if not in rank) commanders.

6. Volunteers of all ranks will work like niggers for nothing, save the barren honour of being told (subsequently in the public prints) that they have merely done their duty.

7. And, to conclude, Volunteers will be expected to say that they have thoroughly enjoyed their holiday, however difficult it may be to feel it.

AN ELIGIBLE PARTI.

I KNOW a man who manhood's name profanes,

Most Mayfair mothers own him rather wild;

But, since he has more sovereigns than brains, Each tries to catch and tame him for her child.

He knows enough Arithmetic to keep

A Betting-book, and lose his little bets, And though his sense of honour is not deep, He always pays his "honourable" debts. Some scores of trowsers own him as their Lord,

And endless ties and one unchanging sneer; He owes his tailor what would lodge and board

And wash a brace of curates for a year.

His wit is not so pointed as his boots, Bright with the polish which his manners lack,

Nor yet so chaste as those astounding suits Which deck his shrunken limbs and padded back.

His stays are always, he is often, "tight." His collar, like his birth, is sans reproche; He seldom does a thing because it's right, But, on the other hand, is never gauche.

The Music Hall hath charms to soothe his breast,

But tries in vain to tinge his pallid cheek; And yet the print he knows and loves the

best,

Is that which duly blushes once a week.

He never dances since the law shut up

His native haunt, where he could really go it,

And romp the pas-de-quatre, and shout and sup

(Of course the Mayfair mothers did not know it).

He never dances-but he goes about,

And you will always meet him " everywhere," And sometimes after supper he'll sit out A dance or two, provided she is fair. Some day he'll stoop to raise her to his throne,

Look tame and tired of wild oats-for a time; [εown, And, when They reap the whirlwind he has We'll talk of his misfortune and her crime.

THOSE SILENT BOOTS.

Burglar's Ballad. AIR-" Those Evening Bells.' THOSE Silent Boots! Those Silent Boots! When out upon our gay galoots, 'Twill give us coves the bloomin' jumps, If we carn't 'ear the Copper's clumps! Ave Bobby's Bluchers passed away? That there will bust the Burglar's lay! Wot, silentSlops "-like evening swells ? It's wus than them electric bells! No, no! I'opes, till I am gone, The Bobby's Boots will still clump on. Their warnin' sound our bizness soots, But bust the thought o' Silent Boots!

SOME EVILL-MINDED PERSONS. - At the Royal Academy of Music the competition for the Evill Prize took place last Friday, which, to unsuccessful competitors was a day of Evill omen. This is one of the rare instances where "Out of Evill cometh good."

"ART, HOW SHE IS

LEARNED."

SCENE-London.

Time-any day of the Week between Show Sunday and Academy Sunday. Present-two Art Critics à la Mode.

First A. C. (after a pause). Yes, met a crowd of people last Sunday. Bad memory myself, but hanged if I can remember why I went out on Sunday.

Second A. C. (after consideration). And I too. I hate going out on a Sunday as a rule, but I went last week. However, might have been

worse

fun. Met PEACOCK girls. Rather good form.

First A. C. Yes, Jolly. Going to meet 'em next Sunday,-Mulberry Road.

Second A. C. (lighting a cigarette). I'm going to the Mulberry Road too.

First A. C. (also lighting a cigarette). But why?

Second A. C. (after smoking for two minutes in silence) Haven't the faintest idea! Stay! Ah! (Producing tiny memorandum book.) Here it is, April 2nd-Mulberry Road -Academy Pictures.

First A. C. (with returning intelligence). Of course! Why, that's what we went about. To see the pictures!

Second A. C. (with further intelligence). Yes. Going next Sunday to Mulberry Road to see the pictures again. Rather fun, seeing pictures!

First C. (after a long pause). Yes, rather.

[Scene closes in upon their commencing to discuss some other subject.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, March 20.-"That's the best speech HARCOURT has made this Session," said GEORGE CURZON, as we walked into Lobby to support Government against onslaught of SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, who disapproves its Uganda policy. "Which speech?" I asked, eagerly, always anxious to learn. GEORGE CURZON just back from far East; has sat astride the Wall of China, and taken five-o'clock tea with the QUEEN of COREA. ULYSSES, with his twenty-years' tramp, not in it with him. "Which speech?" I repeated. The speech he didn't make just now in reply to CHAMBERLAIN," said CURZON, in that sententious tone, and with that grave manner he has learned among the Apaches of the Ural Mountains.

Wants thinking over, this; but is quite true. A great temptation for the SQUIRE; would have been irresistible at one time. JOSEPH had made a brilliant speech, scintillating with diamond dagger-points. Yielding to the habit of heredity, he had been more than usually disagreeable towards his Brethren. "The original JOSEPH," as the SQUIRE remarked, in a little aside, whilst the speech went on amid uproarious delight of the Gentlemen of England, "had one soft place in his resentful heart. But our JoE finds no BENJAMIN among usunless, indeed, it be TREVELYAN, and, I believe, if, after filling up his sack, he had put in any extraneous substance, it would not have been a cup of silver."

Time was when the SQUIRE would have jumped at this opportunity. Benches crowded with jubilant gentlemen in dinner dress; excitement of cheers and counter-cheers filled House. Few things delight it more than encounter between these two brilliant swordsmen. Only half-past eleven; Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty of time for business by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody. When SQUIRE rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists.

QUITE A CHIC CARGO!

men

A GROUP of "World's Wobelonging to all races, has set out from Southampton in the steamship Paris, en route to the World's Fair. There are English damsels, Scotch lassies, Tyrolese, Hungarian, Parisian, Chinese, and Japanese ladies. Instead of World's Wobeing called men," they ought, of course, to go as World's Fair-ies."

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Arrangements have been made for bringing them back;' but suppose they prefer to stay? America is a free country; Chicago is one of the freest parts of it. So, after their relative powers of fascinating the American male have been tested, their power of becoming his relatives may have to be counted with. us hope they will be accommodated with separate buildings at the Exposition; ora" Lady's Battle" may ensue, under EuroQueensberry Rules. pean versus Asiatic, or-say -Fräulein versus Mademoiselle. This would be a great

hit.

TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLEDEE.

Let

Their turn now. JOE was "going to catch it." But SQUIRE knew better than that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But business first, pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, SQUIRE said they had listened to a very good speech, and now he hoped the Vote would be agreed to; at which point he meekly sat down. Shock so sudden and unexpected that no one but NOLAN moved, and he, finding himself on his legs, had no words ready. Whilst he was gasping in search of them, Closure moved; Chairman, who is getting well into the saddle, put question with lightning-like rapidity; before Committee quite knew where it was, it was dividing on the Uganda Vote.

Business done.-Supplementary Estimates concluded; Report of Supply agreed to; way cleared for Appropriation Bill.

Tuesday Night.-HENRY FOWLER explained Parish Council Bill in speech of equal force and lucidity. "Hands all round," as TENNYSON said, in applause of speech and approval of Bill. JESSE COLLINGS rather hinted that anything good in measure was conveyed from RITCHIE's Bill, and everyone knows that RITCHIE was mere lay-figure behind which JESSE controlled policy of Local Government Board under last Administration. Even this criticism meant as compliment. No harsher note disturbed chorus of approval.

JOKIM, in effusion of moment, led into making interesting confession. As he says, only he put it stronger, general impression is that he is not particularly attached to Agricultural Labourer. BOBBY SPENCER, when he made his historic declaration-" Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultura! Labourer"-understood to have JOKIM in his mind; endeavouring to ingratiate himself with the statesman who, at the time, was CHANCELLOR of EXCHEQUER. JOKIM, certainly, through long and honourable career, never lost opportunity of hustling HODGE. Deductions drawn from this attitude entirely erroneous. Only been dissembling his love. Made clean breast of it to-day. Clasping his hands with genuine emotion, tear plainly tickling through his voice, he exclaimed, "It has been