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Franklin. I take - Eh! O!- as much exercise - Eh!-I can, Madam Gout. You know my sédentary state, and on tha: account, it would seem, Madam Gout, as if you might spare me little, seeing it is not altogether my own fault.
Gout. Not a jot! your rhetoric and your politeness art thrown away; your apology avails nothing. If your situation in life is a sedentary one, your amusements, your recreations, a: least, should be active. But let us examine your course of lift While the mornings are long, and you have leisure to go abroad what do you? Why, instead of gaining an appetite for breakfast by salutary exercise, you amuse yourself with books, pam phlets, or newspapers ; you eat an inordinate breakfast; immediYtely afterward you sit down to write at your desk, or converso on business. Thus the time passes till one, without any kind of bodily exercise. What is your practice after dinner? To be fixed down to chess, for two or three hours! What can be expected from such a course of living, but a body replete with stagnant humors, ready to fall a prey to all kinds of dangerous maladies, if I, the gout, did not occasionally bring you relief by agitating these humors, and so purifying or dissipating them? Fie, then, Mr. Franklin! But amidst my instructions I had almost forgot to administer my wholesome corrections: so take that twinge, and that!
Franklin. O! eh! 0!-0-0-0-0! As much instruction as you please, Madam Gout, and as many reproaches, but pray, madam, a truce with your corrections !
Gout. No, sir, no; I will not abate a particle of what is st wuch for your good, therefore
Franklin. O! eh-h-h! — It is not fair to say I take no ezcrcise, when I do very often, going out to dine, and returning in my carriage.
Gout. That, of all imaginary exercise, is the most slight and insignificant, if you allude to the motion of a carriage suspended on springs. By observing the degree of heat obtained by differ ent kinds of motion, we may form an estimate of the quantity of exercise given by each. Thus, for example, if you turn out to walk in winter with cold feet, in an hour's time you will be in a glow all over; ride on horseback, the same effect will scarcely be perceived by four hours' round trotting; but if you loll in a care riage, such as you have mentioned, you may travel all day, and gladly enter the last inn to warm your feet by a fire. Flatter yourself, then, no longer, that half an hour's airing in your car. riage deserves the name of exercise. Providence has appointed few to roll in carriages, while he has given to all a pair of legs. which are machines infinitely more commodious and serviceable
Franklin Your reasonings grow very tiresome.
Gout. I stand corrected. I will be silent, and continuo my office; take that, and that!
Franklin. 0! 0-0! Talk on, I pray you !
Grut. No, no; I have a good number of things for you to. night, and you may be sure of some more to-morrow.
Franklin. What, with such a fever! I shall go distracted. O! eh! Can no one bear it for me?
Gout. Ask that of your horses ; they have served you faithfully.
Franklin. How can you so cruelly sport with my torments ?
Gout. Sport! I am very serious. I have here a list of your offences against your own health distinctly written, and can justify every stroke inflicted on you.
Franklin. Read it, then.
Gout. It is too long a detail; but I will briefly mention some particulars.
Franklin. Proceed; I am all attention.
Gout. Do you remember how often you have promised yourself, the following morning, a walk in the grove of Boulogne, 24 or in your own garden, and have violated your promise, alleging, at one time, it was too cold, at another, too warm, too windy, too moist, or what else you pleased; when, in truth, it was too nothing, but your insuperable love of ease ?
Franklin. That, I confess, may have happened occasionally probably ten times in a year.
Gout. Your confession is very short of the truth; the gross amount is one hundred and ninety-nine times.
Franklin. Is it possible ?
Gout. So possible that it is fact; you may rely on the accuracy of my statement. You know Mr. B.'s gardens, and what fine walks they contain; you know the handsome flight of a huu. dred steps, which lead from the terrace above to the lawn below. You have been in the practice of visiting this amiable family twice a week after dinner, and, as it is a maxim of your own that “a man may take as much exercise in walking a mile up and down stairs as in ten on level ground,” what an opportunity was there for you to have had exercise in both these ways! Did you embrace it, and how often ?
Franklin. I cannot immediately answer that question.
Franklin. Not once ? I am convinced now of the justress of poor Richard's remark, that “our debts and our sins are always greater than we think for.”
Gou So it is! You philosophers are sages in your maxims. and fools in your conduct.
Franklin. Ah! how tiresome you are ! Gout. Well, then, to my office; it should not be forgotten that I am your physician. There !
Franklin. 0-0! what a physician! Gout. How ungrateful are you to say so! Is it not I, who, in the character of your physician, have saved you from the palsy, dropsy, and a poplexy ? one or other of which would have done for you long ago, but for me.
Franklin, I submit, and thank you for the past, but entreat the discontinuance of your visits for the future; for in my mind one had better die, than be cured so dolefully. Permit me just to hint that I have also not been unfriendly to you. I never feed physician or quack of any kind, to enter the lists against you; if, then, you do not leave me to repose, it may be said you' are ungrateful too.
Gout. I can scarcely acknowledge that as any objection. As to quacks, I despise them; they may kill you, indeed, but cannot injure me. And as to regular physicians, they are at last convinced that the gout, in such a subject as you are, is no disease, but a remedy; and wherefore cure a remedy? But to our business. There! ...
Franklin. 0! 0! Leave me, and I promise faithfully never more to play at chess, but to take exercise daily, and live temperately.
Gout. I know you too well. You promise fair; but after a few months' good health, you will return to your old habits; your fine promises will be forgotten, like the forms of the last year's clouds. Let us, then, finish the account, and I will go. But I leave you, with an assurance of visiting you again at a proper time and place; for my object is your good, and you are sensible now that I am your real friend.
CLXVIII. — MISCELLANEOUS POEMS.
1. ON THE DEATH OF A FRIEND. - Halleck. GREEN be the turf above thee, friend of my better days! None knew thee but to love thee, nor named thee but to praise. Tears fell when thou wert dying from eyes unused to weep, And long where thou art lying will tears the cold turf steep. When hearts whose truth is proven, like thine, are laid in earth There should a wreath be woven to tell the world their forth:
And I, who woke each morrow to clasp thy hand in mine,
2. Woman's Mission. - Ebenezer Elliott. What highest prize hath woman won in science or in art? What mightiest work by woman done boasts city, field, or mart! “ She hath no Raphael," Painting saith ; “no Newton,” Learning
cries ;. “Show us her steamship, her Macbeth, her thought-won vic
Wait, boastful man! though worthy are thy deeds, when thou art
0, not for wealth, or fame, or power, hath man's meek angel striven,
3. THE LEE-SHORE. — Thomas Hood.
4. THE RHINE. — From the German.
They shall never have it — never! -- the glorious German Rbine.
No, they shall never have it, the free, the German Rhine,
5. BEAUTY AND THE DAWN. — Arndt. I said unto the dawn, " Why art thou bright With amber glow, and tints of rosy light?” I said unto a maid, as morning fair, " Why wreathe with smiles thy lip, with flowers thy hair: Beauty and morn! ye quickly must decay, Soon fade your tints, and flit your smiles away!
Therefore adorn not!”.
“ I deck myself,” the Dawn replied, “ in light,
Therefore I mourn not !”.
" I deck myself," replied the beauteous maid,
In Him I trust, and mourn not!"
CLXIX. — THE COMPLAINT OF A PAIR OF LUNGS.
1. As you have given place to the recital of the grievances of a Stomach,* we claim the privilege of being heard in regard vo some of the abuses to which we, a respectable pair of Lungs
* See page 157.