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You haven't got a rhyming phiz,
And don't know what a Sonnet is,
You ought to talk of May or June,
Mary, and Music, and the Moon,
Just mention Zephyrs in the dell,
And give a hint of Philomel,
Enlarge upon a blighted tree,
A rock, a ruin, or the sea,
Conclude with something energetic,
Or a neat touch of the pathetic.
This is the way, mistaken elf!
To write-like Gerard-or myself!

GOLIGHTLY. "Oh! Charles!-who said you were a dunce?

I heard you read a sonnet once,
And really I was so enchanted,

With all you said, and all you chaunted,
That home I hurried in delight,
And sat me down in haste to write
A little thing the Club shall see

SONNET TO MR. BELLAMY.

"Oh! I am weary of thy minstrelsy;

Thou claw'st the chords with such a clumsy gripe,
And (straining still thy throat's discordant pipe)
Fumblest, and fumblest on so dismally;

Evermore drawling a dull sleepy air,

Like that the old Cow died of.

Cruel Bard!

What have I done, that thou would'st have me share
That poor Cow's fate? "Twere not a task too hard
(So I might 'scape the torture of thy lay)
To read the Post or Courier day by day,
To my deaf grandam. Oh! I could endure,
Methinks, of harsh and grating sounds to die,
So but thy song were spared, and I were sure,
Bellamy, thou would'st not chaunt my elegy."

CHORUS.

BURTON.

"Bravo! the Sonnet of Sonnets!-oh never Talk now of your Orpheus and Linus!" "I vow and declare that it's almost as clever As mine on the Pons Asininus!"

CHORUS.

NESBIT.

CHORUS.

BELLAMY.

GOLIGHTLY.

BELLAMY.

"Bravo-Golightly's the poet to please :"
"May I never drink beer if he's not!"
"Loaded and primed with such verses as these,
Number VI. will go off like a shot!"

"Libel and felony!"

"Zounds! Mr. Bellamy!" "How can I sit with this base charlatan ?"

GOLIGHTLY. "Lord! I'm afraid that his sisters he'll tell

BELLAMY.

o' me!"

"Mr. Golightly shall find I'm a man!"

O'CONNOR. "Murder and turf!"

BELLAMY.

O'CONNOR.

BELLAMY.

66

"How I'll cut and assassinate! Mr. Golightly shall smart for it soon!"

"Nate Mr. Bellamy, don't be so passionate!" Ignorant blockhead! I'll write a Lampoon!" (Exit in a passion! —All the Members much appalled.) COURTENAY. My friends! your spirits seem indeed

GOLIGHTLY.

COURTENAY.

66

In most unusual excitation;

To cool them, I'll proceed to read

ARTICLES IN PREPARATION.

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Two bits of prose from F. Golightly;
One On the Art of Dancing Lightly;'
One On the Sense of Homer's Particles'-
"Two very neat and clever articles !"
"Reflections upon Human Troubles;'
'A Dissertation upon Bubbles ;'

'Remarks upon the Fight of Ramillies ;'
'The Art of Cookery for Families ;'
Biography of Mr. Wastle;'

And Stanzas on Caernarvon Castle;'
'A Country Sabbath,' neatly penn'd

By Bellamy, our departed friend;

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'The Power of Steam;' 'A Tale of Bradgelah!'
'Pleasure;' 'Good Night; 'Old Boots;'
'The Bachelor.'

Lastly some Greek and Roman stories.-
I've burnt' Sir Francis on the Tories,'
As also Martial's Ode to Paint:'
It has much humour, dry and quaint,

CHORUS.

NESBIT.

And there are pretty verses in 't;
But I must give the youth a hint,
That, when he wishes to be Lyrical,
He oughtn't to affect Satirical."
"Bravo! Bravo! look how it grows!
Beautiful bundle of verse and prose!
Jester and Moralist, on they come,
Poet and Sage, at the beat of our drum;
Puddings of precept, and pickings of pun,
Solid and syllabub, wisdom and fun,
Hurry and scurry they tumble in—
Poor Mr. Courtenay is up to the chin!
How can the merry ETONIAN fail,
Bless'd with these writers"

"And bless'd with this ale

OAKLEY. "While the Club's in such good humour, I'm very sorry to shock it;

But I've received an insult, which I really can't possibly

pocket :

Mr. Swinburne himself will allow that I've good reason
To prefer against him a charge, amounting to

HIGH TREASON.

Mr. Gerard, you've got a smile on your face, as much as to

tell

That I'm but an indifferent rhymer, but that I know very

well,

And I should be glad to tell my story in prose, if I might, Only, as there's nothing of the kind to be spoken here to

night,

I must say what I have to say in verse, as well as I am

able ;

Well then, here's Mr. Swinburne a-spilling all the tea upon

my table,

And making a mess and a slop with his impertinent hand, Because he wants to paint the situation where Troy used to

stand;

And though I care a great deal more about my butter and

toast,

Than about avat avopov and all his abominable host,

Yet here he persists in spurting hot water upon my cheek, And, which is my detestation, quoting a bushel of Greek. And, here's the river Simois, and here's Xanthus,' says he, As if either of them ever ran with Mr. Weight's best tea; And here's 'Achilles and his Myrmidons.' I think it's very harsh

To clap Achilles and all his soldiers into a great boiling marsh;

And though I tell him to be quiet, as loud as I can bawl, It seems that he thinks me a blockhead, (Hear, hear,) for he don't mind me at all.

Therefore, as I don't like to be in this manner defied,

I

pray that the President will immediately decide,

Whether the rights of Members are to be protected, or

whether

Mr. Swinburne is to go on upsetting propriety, tea-cups, and Trojans, all together."

SWINBURNE. "Larga quidem, Drance, semper tibi copia fandi--"

OAKLEY. "If you talk any more lingo, you'll be fined and that won't be so handy."

Swinburne. "I scorn to talk English where Latin won't be heard,

And if I mayn't answer him classically, I won't answer a single word." COURTENAY. "Guilty, guilty, the case is clear." MUSGRAVE. "The Swinburne coach is upset, I fear." COURTENAY. "To give the Judges no defence Argues or guilt or insolence;

CHORUS.
OAKLEY.

Be it the first, or be it the last,

Dread is the doom that must now be pass'd." "Guilty, guilty, the case is clear."

"Mr. Courtenay, and Gentlemen, I think you're decidedly wrong here,

I differ from you in nigst matters, and I differ from you in

this;

You say Mr. Swinburne is guilty;-now what if I don't think he is?"

CHORUS (testifying astonishment.)

"Oh! Lord! did you ever?

Oh Lord! no I never!

OAKLEY.

CHORUS.

The culprit was caught, the indictment drawn !
Like a terrified child,

Mr. Oakley grows mild,

Peregrine's mock'd, and the charge withdrawn!" "Chairman and King,

I meant no such thing;

Whence is this shouting and tumult drawn?”
"You've gone in your track
Too far to go back,
Peregrine's mock'd, and the

CHARGE WITHDRAWN."

OAKLEY. "I don't wish or intend to transgress any proper

rules,

But I can't help observing that you're altogether a parcel of fools."

(Exit in the sullens.-Members testify congratulation.)

COURTENAY. "It's very late!"

O'CONNOR.

"Let's have another cup!"

MONTGOMERY. "And sing a song,"

BURTON.

CHORUS.

"By way of summing up?" "Late is the evening! hush'd is the song, Friendly Etonians-health, and good night! your fame and your 'Articles'equally long! Be your Ale and your Genius equally bright." The Members shouted carmen hoc,

Be

As sweet as linnet or canary;
The Club adjourn'd at Six o'clock,

(Signed)

RICHARD HODGSON,
b

Secretary.

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