LITTLE TURNCOATS A large Republican meeting in Clermont, Ohio, was attended by a small boy who had four young puppies which had not yet begun to see, and which he offered for sale. Finally, one of the crowd, approaching the boy, asked: "Are these McKinley pups, my son?" "Yes, sir." "Well, then," said he, "I'll take these two." About a week afterward the Democrats held a meeting at the same place, and among the crowd was to be seen the same boy with his two remaining pups. He tried for hours to obtain a purchaser, and finally was approached by a Democrat, who asked: "My little lad, what kind of pups are these you have?" "They're Bryan pups, sir." The Republican who had purchased the first two happened to be in hearing, and broke out at the boy: "See here, you young rascal, didn't you tell me that those pups I bought of you last week were McKinley pups?" "Y-e-s, sir," said the young dog merchant; "but these ain't-they've got their eyes open." NUMBER ONE Said Lord John Russell to Mr. Hume at a social dinner: "What do you consider the object of legislation ?" "The greatest good to the greatest number." "What do you consider the greatest number?" continued his lordship. "Number one," was the commoner's reply. TURNING THE KNIFE IN THE WOUND It was readiness which made John Randolph so terrible in retort. He was the Thersites of Congress, a tongue-stabber. No hyperbole of contempt or scorn could be launched against him but he could overtop it with something more scornful and contemptuous. Opposition only maddened him into more bitterness. "Isn't it a shame, Mr. President," said he one day in the Senate, "that noble bulldogs of the Administration should be wasting their precious time in worrying the rats of the opposition?" Immediately the Senate was in an uproar, and he was clamorously called to order. The presiding officer, however, sustained him; and pointing his long finger at his opponents, Randolph screamed out, "Rats, did I say?-mice, mice!" SELF-MADE A drunken Congressman said to Horace Greeley one day: "I am a self-made man." "Then, sir," replied the philosophical Horace, "the fact relieves the Almighty of a great responsibility." NOT THE ONLY FOOL An old Dutchman who, some years ago, was elected a member of the legislature, said, in his broken English style, "Ven I vent to the lechislatur, I tought I vould find dem all Solomons dere; but I soon found dere was some as pig fools dere as I vas." GOING UNPLEDGED Judge Martin Grover, who was a political leader before his elevation to the bench, was once approached by a young lawyer ambitious for legislative honors. Judge Grover was not sure of the young man's integrity, and questioned him on this point. He finally said: "Young man, if you'll give your word that you won't steal when you get to Albany, I'll do what I can to help you go there." Assuming a dignified air, the young man replied: "I go to Albany absolutely unpledged, or I don't go at all."-Louis Wiley. COVETING MISERIES Proctor Knott once said regarding the woes of a Congressman. "When I see him bidding adieu to the sweets of private life, for which he is so eminently fitted by nature, to immolate himself on the altar of his country, Homer's touching picture of the last scene between the noble Hector and his weeping family rises before my imagination; when I see him seated sorrowfully at a miserable repast of sea-terrapin and champagne, my very bowels yearn for him; and when I see him performing, perhaps, the only duty for which he is fully competent, signing the receipt for his monthly pay, I am so overwhelmed for his miserable condition that I wish I were in his place."-Samuel S. Cox. TARIFF TALK In our neighborhood years ago, when the McKinley act was a live but wearisome topic, a man was haled into court on a charge of assault. When he told his story the judge let him go. The prisoner said: "I was sitting quietly in my house, when a tramp came along and demanded something to eat. He was an ugly-looking fellow, and I told my wife I thought we had better feed him. She got him a good meal, but he began to complain of his victuals. We let it pass without comment, to avoid difficulty. When he had finished, he tipped back his chair, put his feet on the table, lighted his pipe, and began to spit on the floor. I was angry, but prudently forebore to take notice. Then he insulted my wife. But she begged me to let it go. At last he began to talk tariff-and then I took a sledstake and knocked him down." The judge said: "You ought to have killed him."-George A. Marden. DOG LAW The first ballot-reform bill, so-called, that ever found its way to an American legislature was introduced early in 1888 in the legislature of New York. We do not boast much of the law we have, which was the outcome of a long and bitter contest between the Governor and the legislature. It reminds me somewhat of a dog law which a Kentucky legislator wanted a lawyer to draft. "Well, what kind of a dog law do you wish to have?" said the lawyer. The lawmaker replied: "I want a good, broad, safe, Democratic dog law, that will please my constituents and won't interfere with the rights of the dogs."-Charles T. Saxton. REED AND SPRINGER Probably no utterance of an American statesman has been more frequently quoted than Henry Clay's famous declaration: "I would rather be right than be President." No reminiscence of Mr. Reed is oftener referred to in the cloakroom than his tilt with Hon. William M. Springer, for many years a Representative in Congress, once chairman of the Committee on Ways and Means, and later a United States judge in the Indian Territory. Mr. Springer was a frequent speaker in the House. One day he said in debate: "I say, with Henry Clay, 'I'd rather be right than be President."" "But," drawled Reed, "the gentleman from Illinois will never be either." OBSERVE THE INFLECTION When Elbridge Gerry was chosen Governor of Massachusetts -the first Democratic governor that we had had for a great while-old Dr. Osgood of Medford, the last of our Tory clergy, was obliged to read the Governor's proclamation. You know the form-if you do not, his Excellency the Governor will remind you of it and refresh your memory. He read, "Elbridge Gerry, Governor! God save the Commonwealth of Massachusetts!"-James Russell Lowell. ALTERED IF NECESSARY You can understand how largely I sympathize with Rufus Choate when, in attending a concert, he said to his daughter, who was by his side: "My dear, interpret to me the libretto, lest I dilate with the wrong emotion." If I should make any such mistake, I beg you to accept from me the utterance of the politician from Texas-I do not know whether it was the immortal Flannagan or not-who, after addressing the audience, said to them. "Fellow citizens, them are my sentiments, but if they don't suit you they can be changed."-Seth Low. WHAT HE THOUGHT An Indiana stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it, and exclaimed: "Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man rose in the assembly, and with one eye partially closed, modestly, with a strong Scotch brogue, replied: "I think, sir, I do, indeed, sir-I think if you and I were to stump the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in the country, sir, and I'd not say a word myself during the whole time, sir!" EARLY PRAYERS An anecdote is told of "Prince" John Van Buren when a student at Princeton College. He was negligent in attendance upon prayers, and the then President, Dr. North, expostulated with him upon the subject, and said: "Mr. Van Buren, we have prayers at six o'clock in the morning, and we would like to see you there." "Well," replied Mr. Van Buren, "the trouble is, Dr. North, you have prayers so very late, I cannot sit up to that hour. Now, if you had prayers at five o'clock, I would try and sit up." A ROYAL EXPLANATION The satirical epitaph, written upon King Charles II, at his own request, by his witty favorite the Earl of Rochester, was not more severe that just: Here lies our sovereign lord, the King, Who never said a foolish thing, And never did a wise one. "This," observed the Merry Monarch, when he first read the epitaph, "is easily accounted for-my discourse is my own, my actions are the Ministry's." POLITICIANS RISING I believe that it was while William H. Seward was holding the position of Secretary of State that, as he saw the elevator going up to his office laden with citizens of diplomatic aspirations, he remarked: "This is the largest collection for foreign missions that I ever saw taken up."-Rev. Heman L. Wayland. CADS Visiting Briton: " Ya-as, Miss Wosalind-but your politicians-aw-are a lot of cads, y'knaw. You are-aw-wuled by a set of wiotous wascals whom you wouldn't dweam of-aw |