CARRIED METAL It was said of one clergyman, that if he was not as wise as Solomon, he was at any rate like him in one respect-he brought a great deal of "consecrated brass" into the temple every time he entered it.-Rev. R. S. Storrs. EFFECTUAL PRAYER One of the most prominent New England divines, himself the son of a Puritan clergyman, told me that when a boy he heard the deacons at his father's house discussing the merits of their respective ministers. After many had spoken, one old elder said, "Waal, our minister gives so much attention to his farm and orchard that we get pretty poor sermons; but he's mighty movin' in prayer in caterpillar and canker-worm time." -Chauncey M. Depew. WHY HE WAS IN JAIL A kind-hearted clergyman asked a convict how he came to be in jail. The fellow said, with tears in his eyes, that he was coming home from prayer meeting, and sat down to rest, fell asleep, and while he was asleep there the county built a jail around him, and when he awoke the jailer wouldn't let him out. HIS SAMPLES An English theologian and Wesleyan was in the habit of carrying with him a strong bottle of pepper sauce, the very strongest he could find. He would not trust to that furnished by the hotels. One day a guest said to him: "Please pass those peppers over this way." "Why, I beg your pardon, but that is my private property." "Well, give a fellow a taste of it anyway." He tasted it and then said after a moment, "You are a preacher, are you not?" "Yes." "An orthodox preacher?" "I am so taken and accepted." "You believe in hell-fire ?" "Well, I feel it incumbent upon myself to warn the impenitent of their danger." "You believe in a literal hell-fire?" "I so interpret the Scriptures." "Well," said the guest, "I have met your kind before, but I never before met a man who carried his samples with him."-J. P. Brushingham. A STOLEN DISCOURSE It must have been with infinite amusement that Henry Ward Beecher, during a vacation, once heard one of his own published sermons delivered in an obscure village. At the close of the service he accosted the divine, and said, "That was a fair discourse; how long did it take you to write it?" "Oh, a matter of a day or so," was the reply. "Indeed," said Mr. Beecher; "it took me three weeks to think out the framework of that sermon." "Are you Henry Ward Beecher ?" said the astonished preacher. "I am," was the reply. "Well, then," said the unabashed prig, "all that I have to say is, that I am not ashamed to preach one of your sermons anywhere." LABOR IS PRAYER Dr. Macleod and Dr. Watson were in the West Highlands together on a tour, before leaving for India. While they were crossing a loch in a boat, in company with a number of passengers, a storm came on. One of the passengers was heard to say: "The twa ministers should begin to pray, or we'll a' be drooned." "Na, na," said a boatman; "the little ane can pray, if he likes, but the big ane must tak' an oar!" FEES AND DEGREES Wanting some alterations made in the palace at Fulham, the Bishop of London employed a first-rate architect to inspect the building, and to consult as to what was needed to be done. The business occupied the architect three or four hours: and the bishop, on the report of the expenses, determined not to proceed. He said, however, "Be good enough to tell me your fee." "I thank your lordship-a hundred guineas." "A hundred guineas?" "Yes, my lord." "Why, many of my curates do not receive so much for a whole year's services." "Very true, my lord; but I am a bishop in my profession!" The check was drawn and handed over in silence. CURE AND CURATE Cornelius O'Dowd says that when a friend of his once met Sydney Smith at Brighton, where he had gone to reduce himself by the use of certain baths in vogue in those days, he observed a decrease in Sydney's size, and said: "You are certainly thinner than when I saw you last." "Yes," said he, "I have only been ten days here, but they have already scraped enough off me to make a curate." A REDUCTION The loyal sons of New England, devoted to her traditions and training, who have braved the dangers of her dinners and the wind-storms of her presiding officers for scores of years, may well sympathize with the clergyman who said joyfully to a brother of the cloth, "We have just terminated the greatest revival our church has experienced for many years." "I rejoice to hear it," said the other. "How many did you add to the fold?" "Well, we didn't add any, but we got rid of three.". Henry Elias Howland. WORDS AND WORK "Brudren," said a darky in a prayer meeting, "I feel 's ef I could talk mo' good in five minutes dan I could do in a year." SURPRISE ABOVE There is a very old story told of a North Carolina preacher, who was called upon to deliver a sermon at the funeral of a man of his parish whose antecedents had left in his mind very grave doubts whether his soul had taken the upward direction after it was separated from the body. However, he was equal to the emergency, and he got over the difficulty in this way: Said he, "My brethren, there will be a great many surprises for you if any of you happen to reach the kingdom of Heaven; you will look about you expecting to find a great many people who won't be there; you will see a great many people there that you had no idea would ever get in; but the last and greatest surprise of all will be that you got there yourselves!"Isaac H. Bailey. COOLNESS A certain eminent judge who was recently reëlected, when he was asked about the facility with which he turned from one case to another, replied that he had learned that from what he saw at a baptism of colored people when he was a boy. The weather was very cold, so that to immerse the candidates they were obliged to cut away the ice. It befell that one of the female converts, when she was dipped in the water, suddenly slipped from the preacher's hands and went downstream under the ice. The preacher looked up at the crowd on the bank with perfect calmness, and said: "Brethren, this sister hath departed -hand me down another." PROFANE SILENCE The other day upon the links hard by-I do not say Dyker Meadow-a distinguished clergyman was playing a closelycontested game of golf. He carefully teed up his ball and addressed it with the most approved grace; he raised his driver and hit the ball a tremendous clip, but instead of soaring into the azure it perversely went about twelve feet to the right and then buzzed around in a circle. The clerical gentleman frowned, scowled, pursed up his mouth, and bit his lips, but said nothing, and a friend who stood by him said: "Doctor, that is the most profane silence I ever witnessed."-Frederic A. Ward. THEIR WAY "What did the Puritans come to this country for?" asked a Massachusetts teacher of a class in American history. "To worship in their own way, and make other people do the same," was the reply. IN ALL HUMILITY A woman in humble life was asked one day, on her way back from church, whether she had understood the sermon, a stranger having preached. "Wud I hae the presumption!" was her simple and contented answer. IMPARTIAL At a large dinner-party the subject of eternal life and future punishment came up for a long discussion, in which Mark Twain, who was present, took no part. A lady near him turned suddenly toward him and exclaimed: "Why do you not say anything? I want your opinion." Twain replied gravely: "Madam, you must excuse me. I am silent of necessity; I have friends in both places." BETTER On one occasion General R was taken suddenly ill with the cramp colic, and it was feared he would die. He had quite a number of slaves, and among them was old Harry, a very pious old darky. The general requested that Harry and the other slaves be called in immediately, to pray for him. They came in, and knelt and prayed with all their might, the General rubbing his body and groaning in agony. After a while he said he felt some easier, and again looking around on his blacks he exclaimed: "You black rascals, stop praying and go to your work; I think I shall get well now!" RENOUNCING THE WORLD Chatting with one of her neighbors not long since, a woman related her experience when converted, many years ago, as follows: "I used to be very gay, and fond of the world and all its fashions, till the Lord showed me my folly. I liked silks and ribbons and laces and feathers, but I found they were dragging me down to hell-so I gave them all to my sister!" BRAIN AND BULK When Dr. Bethune was walking with a clergyman almost as full in person as himself, they spied another Brooklyn pastor who presented a perfect contrast to their rotundity, and who at the time was suffering from a horrible attack of dyspepsia. As he approached, Bethune said to his companion, within hearing of the third party, "See there! anybody that looks so cadaverous as that can't have a good conscience." The thin parson |